I am having a really hard week. Hard month. Hard year.. heck - a hard 10 years.
I get up every morning, and I really, really try to be the best me I can be. I try to be authentic, which unfortunately may not be what another person wants.
Over a decade ago, you tested me with the cancerous cells. I hung in there and I did everything I thought was right.. and had to go it alone. I was married to an absentee husband and ended up tackling some of the biggest decisions of my life without so much as a real support system.
I took away my right to ever have children, in order to save my own life. I have since seen several family members die - by not catching that disease early enough. All from the same source.
I then hung on to a marriage that was far from perfect. I thought it was the right thing to do. I tried my best to make a happy life for myself. I surrounded myself with beautiful things, adorable animals, and interesting exchange students.
I moved to Alabama - just to save a marriage, that eventually fell apart.
I met a man that I thought would answer my prayers for kindness and love. Just something to call my own.
I found a job that I thought would be everything I was looking for - fighting for a cause I believed in, and doing what I do best.
But God - I feel like I am failing.. again. I get so tired of trying to be strong. I don't have that something or someone I can depend on and trust 24/7. All I have is you - what feels like a quiet observer.
I know you will not let me fail, and I know that everything happens according to plan...
But I need a break.
I just think I have been through enough for a while.
I just want to experience a bit of joy.
I have to admit - it's all gone. Any joy I find is by way of a few fun conversations with a few friends that go off to their happy lives and safe havens.
I sit here - alone. Alone in ways I cannot describe.
I just need a break. A way to recover my spirit and find some sort of joy in the 2nd quarter of life.
Please bless my family and friends... continue to protect them and guide them according to your will.
Help me find my purpose, and help me find a safe place to rest my heart.
~ N
11 comments:
I feel you reaching for peace.
I can identify with almost every single thing you just wrote. That feeling of ok let's take five please.
I wish you all of the best. It's hell being strong.
Nicole,
First this: ♥(((((HUG)))))♥
I'm sorry for the palpable pain you're experiencing...and I pray, right now, that God will show Himself to be the Comforter that His Word says He is.
I'm hoping this spring brings a renewal of hope, joy, and strength for you.
Oh, my friend . . . I've thought of you so often lately, feeling the change in your spirit even though there are miles between us. I'm saying prayers for you this very minute, and sending you as much peace as I can through this screen. I wish I could be there. You are strong. I know you are tired. But believe that there is a reason for all of it. You may not want that right now, but you must believe.
Thinking of you.
Hugs.
So beautiful and so sad at the same time. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find all that you are looking for. Hugs.
Oh Nicole, I can feel your heart ache. You will get through this and you will find joy again. You are NOT alone...thinking of you!
I can on some levels relate. I may not have had cancer or failed marriages, I do live with chronic pain with the threat from lack of care of things to get worse, and they already on many levels have. I live in fear daily of what is next. I have husband that loves me, but we live as if we are just friends, life having taken it's toll on the rest of the relationship. Feeling powerless and joyless and seeking both power and joy and a break, even for one day, and the feeling of being alone is overwhelming. I have no friends close by, all friends are online. My daughters have lives all their own and the silence at times is deafening. My faith wavers, ebs and flows. Yet, I continue to pray and reach...as I can see between your lines that you are as well. I know perhaps this is not any comfort, and I understand that too...wrote about such things in my blog the other day, but just know if you need us online friends we are here to support, pray, and offer those words of comfort best we can.
You want a hug, mama?
::hugs::
Sometimes, happiness is SO elusive, no matter how hard we try for it, how hard we wish for it. Things have to happen in their own time, because there are lessons we have to learn. I, for one, am pretty hard-headed when it comes to that learning! But that beautiful smile of yours just has to come back ... the world is so much lessened without it ....
The same prayer you have for your friends and family I extend for you to God (our creator), not just protection but the most perfect prayer... that God's will be done in your life and in everything.
Trust that HIS grace is sufficient to cover your weaknesses and moments of frailty.
We learn to rest the more we learn about his love towards us... I struggled with anxiety for years and with God's help through the Holy Spirit I am learning to rest and trust Him in this journey called life knowing all this is temporary.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Love Tori
I know it's hard to keep your head up when you feel like the whole universe has turned against you.
All you can do is keep going and hope that the choices you make flourish into better days.
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