Sometimes We Cave

Tea Weather by La-Chapeliere-Folle

I'm not always on my game. Still - after all of the good I have in my life now, and all of the toxic that was removed... I still get a little sad from time to time.

Like yesterday, I decided to brave the terrible heat and humidity and take two large bags of trash to the dumpster. Sounds simple enough? But the dumpster is a block away, and in Georgia heat, that makes a simple trip a hardcore adventure. After I dropped off the remnants of food gone by, I made my way over to the mailbox. Inside that little metal cylinder was one small envelope. It had the attorney's name on it. 

Inside was the official, final proof that it is all done. 

I glanced to the left -Plaintiff vs Me. Final Decree of Divorce.

I knew it was coming; I was actually looking forward to this day. Then as all avid readers and writers do, I read one sentenced that struck me as cruel It said: And it is considered, ordered and decreed by the Court that the marriage contract heretofore entered into between the parties in this case, from and after this date, be and is set aside and dissolved as full effectually as if NO SUCH CONTRACT HAD EVER BEEN MADE OR ENTERED INTO. 

Say what?

Like the past 7 or so years were just a figment of my imagination. As if the first three, those beautiful, deeply in love years were just a dream. That the past three or four years that were absolute hell never made any marks or scars. Just fuggetaboutit. 

Huh?

So I caved. Tears ran down my face. Those years of begging, pleading, coaxing- anything I could do to save our marriage was just a complete waste of time. Oh... and don't forget, it had never been made or entered into.

I simply poured a glass of wine, put on my soft pink pajamas and listened to some soft rock. I was good, up until the sad songs came on, so I decided to start organizing the closets I have yet to go into since we moved in. 

What did I find? Photos. Some of his clothes. Items from our wedding. I grabbed everything (except for the photos) and dumped them in the trash. (Which means I have to brave the heat AGAIN.)

I then proceeded to make some mashed potatoes... pour another glass of wine and watch the freaking Hallmark Channel. Cats at my feet. Wine in hand. Cheesy movie.... and I just let the tears flow.

I think I needed to cleanse. I think I needed to say goodbye once and for all.

Things are good right now, don't get confused. I just have to let go of something I held onto soooooo hard for soooooo long. 

Simply put... I caved.