Are You Ready To Let Go?

I've been reading a lot of "self improvement" books recently. Honestly, I seem to always read self improvement books. Ever since I was 12 years old. I think my first one was "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Honestly, that was the beginning of my personality transformation.

At 12.

For whatever reason, I have always been very curious and I am a bit of a problem solver. I had a problem, and I researched the ways to solve it. Cause and effect. Supply and demand. I was all over it.

I figured it out and it has served me well all of these years. I'm good at winning people over.

But like a fisherman, when you cast your net out there, you tend to pick up some bad fish, dead weight, fish full of mercury.

I'm a bit sentimental when it comes to experiences and memories. I like to hold on to them, regurgitate them back up and chew on them like a cow chewing cud. Nothing is more satisfying than recounting an old memory with a friend, regardless of how toxic the situation was. It's this invisible connection with another human being. You share a laugh, you nod in agreement, it suddenly becomes this secret, invisible bond between two people. It's addictive.

Sometimes I hold onto that feeling, and those people, too long. I am the queen of not losing touch with people. I have successfully reconnected or at least Facebook stalked anyone who ever made a significant impact in my life through the years. Well, except for one person. My arch nemesis in elementary school: Angela Bloodworth.

If you know her, I don't think I want to know how she turned out. I like having that one hole in my repertoire of memories and results. I'd like to think that her life turned out really gross and that she is toothless and hooked on meth.

I know.. I have such a black heart.

Then there are the other relationships. The friendships that have sort of run their course. Maybe you have different interests now, or maybe they don't have time for you, or maybe they don't (heaven forbid) like you anymore. But you hold on.

I was chatting with SG about something an old friend said recently. Now, if you are an old friend, don't assume I am talking about you. I have A LOT of old friends. Remember, I don't throw anyone away.

I was explaining a memory to him. Then, the way I always end my stories with him I ask the following question, "What do you think?"

He turns around to me and says, "I'm still not sure where this person stands with you. Are you friends or not? I thought you were done with them."

I was taken a back. He threw up my hypocrisy right to my face. I was holding on, but why?
Then it hit me- just as plain as anything - I had put them into a box, only to pull out twice a year. You know the friends... right? We all have them. You were super close or sort of close for a while, then the season drifted, and though you reach out from time to time, no real connection has reformed. But about twice a year, you pull the box out, look at the friendship, maybe even meet for lunch, all hopeful that you will re spark or rekindle the friendship, only to place it back in the closet, right next to the sequined shoes and size 5 dress you just know you will be able to wear again one day.

Yep.

I'm at a quandary. (Did I use that word right?) Or perhaps.... It's a quandary.

When am I going to be able to just LET THAT SHIT GO? 

Today's meditation said:

Is there something you are holding onto that has outworn its purpose? Now is the time to let go. 
Gently let it go. be free to step into your future of joy. 

*sigh*

But what if I am not ready?