Choices

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself."  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

I've been trying really hard to set some boundaries for myself. A little routine, a few goals - and all I am ending up with is frustration.

I decided that I make my own rules. I am a grown woman. I have a job. I have a home. I have a family and a handful of good friends. I know right from wrong. Why am I constantly trying to label my life?

I'm just going with the flow... I must.... or I will simply lose my mind.

I am happy. I am having fun. 

Yet.. I keep beating myself up for it.

What's up with that?

It's a process.... and I am trying to find myself. My authentic, original, purposeful self. 

I'm not going to label what I am doing. I am not going to try to figure it all out. I'm just going to enjoy myself.

I'm taking off this weekend for the mountains of Tennessee with a friend. Just a weekend get-away. To clear the mind. To laugh. To just be.

That's all I need to do. No explanations.