I'm Listening

I realize it has been a while since I have really written anything of substance. It's simply not good for the soul, or specifically, my soul.

My schedule is a little crazy, my routine is totally off kilter, and I am trying so hard to keep it all together.

All is going well on the work front. I am experiencing pure joy. That is something I cannot put a price tag on. It makes everything I have gone through completely worth while. I knew it the moment I set foot through those doors for my first interview. I love being surrounded by art, history and culture. I love that there is an element of human rights mixed into the mission. I love that I get to meet incredibly interesting people every day. When I need a break, I step out of my office and into a gallery - full of beautiful pieces, that not only please the eye- but open the mind.

Not all is normal on the home front. We are heading into week two of re-adjustment with my egyptian. I know what he is going through, because I have been there. It's not easy finding your place where there is chaos. When I say chaos, I mean -lots of people, a rambunctious 6-year-old, and basically no privacy. He's stepped into my territory, which means that he is surrounded by my family and friends. He's got to re-establish himself, and I know that is not easy. This is not exactly the most diversified city, and I know he feels more comfortable around people from the Middle East. Thus, only time will tell if he can see this as home.

I am also finding it next to impossible to find time to write. Well, let me take that back, I find the time - just not the space. I actually came into work early, just to get a moment to jot these thoughts down. When I do get home, which is usually after everyone has started dinner, my dad runs straight to the computer. Remember, they don't have wireless - so my little buddy, my laptop, only gets used for useless, mind numbing games.

We are still on the prowl for a new home. We are still waiting for his items to get shipped back from Los Angeles. I am still trying to catch up on bills. I realize it will take a few paychecks to undo what 8 months unemployed sowed.

But I am listening.

I am listening to my thoughts, and not letting my mind wonder. It's a little something I read about a couple of years ago that dealt more so with panic disorder than with life. But it works. I tend to worry, or let my mind say negative things to me/about me/for me. Instead of letting that negative "nelly" into my head, I simply shake it off and tell myself to just "stop." It's the same with a panic attack - It is not life threatening, the pre-conceived idea that you are in danger is irrational - just tell your mind to stop. (A little cognitive behavior therapy.) That's sort of the same thing with these negative thoughts that cause such self-doubt. I refuse to let them consume me, as you should do the same. We all have self doubt, or certain areas our self esteem is a little rocky. I say, 'don't let those thoughts in.' I think between remembering what I read years ago and reading a little more on meditation has reminded me to clear my mind of the rubble. I continue to recognize the inner war in others, as well as in myself, and I have decided to opt for peace. I want to radiate light, and every time someone does something or says something to me that threatens to open that door for darkness to enter, I take a moment and say, "I send this person light and love."

When other people are happy or things are going their way - they are in a good mood, bring good energy, and generally spread good will. That's someone who has squelched their inner wars. When times are hard/bad etc we bring the bad mood, the bad energy and it seems to be true - everything falls apart.

I went through some dark months with low self esteem, feeling useless as an unemployed person - and life was just kicking my ass all over the place. Of course it is easier to squelch that inner war, now that things have changed. But those changes started taking place a few weeks before I even started interviewing for my current job. I let go, and I let God. As my husband says, 'It's all God's will.' and I believe that. I am just here as a passenger on this journey called life.

But I will not burn out. I might go down in flames - but I will take that over giving out. Let me use those flames to radiate light.

And to listen.