I need a wake up.

Adulthood can numb you.

Seriously. Work, Marriage, Children, Finances - it's all just too much most days.

I now understand the aging process. Heck, how could you stay young with mounting bills, increasing responsibilities at work, and the pressure to always seem happy and beautiful.

I am lucky to not have to throw in the children component. I get a little break there. But at the same time, that leaves me with an aging concern - what happens when I am unable to care for myself? What legacy (child) did I leave behind to take care of me?

I know it all seems morbid, but my father's birthday - which is today - has brought this out in me. It seems odd, but with some information I received this week, I began to question the future.

This past weekend, my mother informed me that my father has an enlarged heart and possibly two blocked arteries. :-$

After talking with my father, he informed me he will return to the doc when he has more money. WHAT???????

I am blown away. If anyone knows anything about an enlarged heart - you realize that congestive heart failure is a major concern. DEATH.

Now, let's play the horrible game of WHAT IF?? Everyone hates when I do this - but it is part of who I am.

What if - my father gets worse (highly probable) and then, God forbid - does not make it to his next birthday.

1. My father will be greatly missed. I will be lost, hurt, angry, sad.. etc.

2. My mother does not make enough money to take care of herself.

3. My sister is unemployed and has a child - and they both live with my family.

HOW CAN I SUPPORT EVERYONE?

Fast forward... 20, 30 years. Natural process, mom is gone. God willing, things will work out for my sister and she will be able to provide a comfortable life for herself and my niece.

Fast forward, my twilight years - WHO IS GOING TO CARE FOR ME?

Morbid, morbid. I know.

I guess with all of the health issues this year with myself and my family - Stress on finances and work - I am just morbid.

I just need something that will shoot a large dose of joy directly into my veins.

I cannot seem to find it. I seem more sad than happy most days. ODD. This is sooo not my style.

I have got to pull myself out of this funk.

I need to FEEL something joyful.