Adventures

Erma Bombeck once said, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."



THAT's what I am talking about. I want to be thoroughly used up when it is all said and done. To me, there is nothing more sad, more pathetic than someone who does not use their God-given talents to make this world a better place.
As I was searching for inspiration for a post this morning, I did what I always do: grabbed my morning cup of coffee, sat in my pjs and robe on the day bed in the sunroom, and just read through other blog posts by people I have 'discovered' throughout the world. The song by John Legend just kept rolling through my head...


'Everybody Knows' (you can listen to it here)





That is sincerely what I hear when I am reading... "Everybody knows.. yet nobody really knows.. just how to make it work, or how to ease the hurt."

I read about one couple's battle with a special needs child; another person's spiritual journey and how a pregnancy scare really brought things into perspective; another was debating the great question - what to do post college; another is on a healthy behavior change and discussing the challenges that lay there..

I could go on and on. As you are reading these posts, you realize we are all so similar. We have hopes. We have wants. We have 'dreams.' It's the path you take that makes all the difference. I know it is all cliche, but it is 'cliche' for a reason.. b/c it happens to everyone and it is true.

Which brings me back to my own plight. I have been whiny and big ol' scardey cat about this whole transition thing. It's my process. I am embracing the possibilities and just rolling with it. I think I am giving "the situation" just too much power over me. I have to remind myself, "It is the journey, not the destination." And yes.. that last part - it will forever remain unknown. How can I know what adventures lay ahead? There is no way to guarantee even a tomorrow. All I can do is savor these moments, believe in something bigger than me, and make smart choices. Sure, I will make some mistakes... and I may fall back down on my bottom. But I have got to try harder, and just go with the flow.

***

I went to my cardiologist yesterday. The yearly check up - all is well, the BP was actually great, got some great tips, and was sent on my way.

It's like a free pass to try, try again.

Calculated Steps

"Choices are the hinges of destiny." ~ Pythagoras

How hard is it to strategically make a decision?

I find it quite difficult. At first I am freaked, acting like a kid trapped in a room with no doors and windows. Wandering.. beating on the walls, yelling for help. That's how I feel when I am first confronted with a difficult decision.

Then I move into the multiple choice stage. I run scenarios (from every angle) through my head. I voice them, I mentally write them down, I run them by other people.

Then I give up. I go through a phase where I resist. Decide I will not decide. Stand there with my arms crossed and lip poked out.

Then somehow, the fog clears. I pull out my mental file of the multiple choices and try to sort through the clutter. What is workable and what is not.

Then I set a plan in place. I decide what my first step is and what outcome I hope to obtain.  I proceed accordingly.

It doesn't make it any easier when there is the absolute fear of failure. I feel unprepared most of the time. I have the knowledge, but not the tools.

The main tool I want is a safety net - and unfortunately, I have not acquired one. I could have.. but I have not.

So for the next seven months I need to find a safety net. Build this net. Give myself something to fall on. That is the goal.

What about you? When you are posed with a situation/problem - how do you react? What "tools" do you use?

Decisions that make you scream, "Oh Bloody Hell."

*Warning - language.

Well damn, damn, double damn.

Woke up this morning, feeling a little better (blah blah - read the post before this one) - then at 4:30pm, I was B-E-A-T. I headed out.

As I merge onto Hwy 280, I realized I forgot to mail off my Netflix DVD.  :-(

As I am heading down the hwy - slowly, I see it is backed up for miles. It is getting dark and begins to rain.

I decide to cut across town using back roads. (only 17 miles.)

Somehow it took me from 4:30 until 6:15pm to get home.

But oops - need to go to the grocery store. Did it. Then I make it home, in the cold, dark rain - drag my laptop bag, purse, and 6 grocery bags up a flight of stairs... only to find a note on my door.

Time to renew my lease. Okay.. okay.. I knew this was coming. What I did not see coming was the MASSIVE increase. Oh holy hell.

Choices? 7-18 month lease is the same price. Month to Month - waaaay more.

Here is the thing.....

I don't know what is next for the egyptian and I.

As in - the next "state/city" chapter of our lives.

I think I should sign the 7 month lease.. and that should buy him time to figure out where he will attend graduate school. THANK GOD he gets home Wednesday.

Not only do we have DECISIONS.. we have to make the decisions quick, because a lease is about to be signed.

7 months... that's doable.. right? That would get me through my fiscal year at work...

Then what?

Then again - what if he gets the teaching job at the Islamic School and he wants to stay? Should we sign a longer lease?

OH BLOODY HELL. I hate making BIG decisions. Why? I will play out every scenario in my head and stress for weeks about this..

DAMN DAMN DAMN.

Sorry. ;-) Just working it out in my head. Or here. hahaha

Wrong?

Guest Blogger: Dewin

*Dewin is actually one of the first blogs I followed and vice versa. She found me quite by accident, and bestowed a Sunshine Blog award upon me. From there, I have met one of the most fascinating, intelligent and deep thinkers I have known. Her blog is inspiring and raw and real. She is an artist - a photographer - and here is one of her pics. Enoy!

When I go to a restaurant, I am notorious for ordering the same thing every time. On the occasion that I stray to other parts of the menu, I always seem to be disappointed with the outcome. And, so I politely push the menu aside and repeat my order word for word from my last visit.


In this life, it would seem we have endless choices. Where we go, what we do, who we associate with, who we love. When you are young, people tell you that you can be anything you want to be. Every children’s theme park encourages you to dream, and dream big. But somewhere around age twelve that stops. As we travel the familiar journey from junior high to high school to college to the “real world”, our path gets narrower. We get the grades to get into the college that supposedly gets us the job that allows us what is called “upward mobility”. This tidy plan has a certain momentum that seems to increase incrementally until we can’t even see in any other direction.

A friend told me a story this past weekend about a teacher she knows. This teacher has a teenage son who attended the elite private high school where she worked. Yet, he continually became more aloof, one day telling her that he hated school. His mother was heartbroken that he would hate anything. So, she made a choice. She pulled him out of school, bought an RV, and they traveled around the country for a year.

So, I wondered which is better- more choices or less? I asked myself: why do I prefer fewer choices in a restaurant? Because when I order something that is not good, I am angry with myself that I made the wrong decision and wasted my money. So, I continually order the same thing so that I can never be wrong, thereby always being right. I never venture out of the safety zone for fear of things being worse. Thus, the reason for the path.

Human beings have unknowingly lessened their choices by decreasing the size of their world into a nice manageable mass. The universe can’t possibly contain other life forms. Earth is the only planet worthy of such advancement. And the universe shrinks into a single planet. Other countries/religions/cultures/languages are inferior, even evil. And the planet shrinks into one country. My path in life is to go to school, go to college, and get a job. And your life shrinks into a credit card commercial.

People enforce limitations on themselves and their lives for the sole purpose of not being wrong. They don’t want to worry that maybe they made the wrong life choice, so they simply take away all the other choices. They are safe. And, if anyone around them veers from their rat maze, they condemn them as wrong, or even crazy.

But what if we were a little crazy? What if we ended up being wrong? Would that be so wrong?

Putting things in Perspective

This is us one year ago.

Happy to be together. Glad for a large part of the immigration journey to have ended.

It is Memorial Day weekend, and we are supposed to reflect on the service men and women who have given their lives for our safety and freedom.

I found that this very special weekend (both Federal Holiday and American Wedding anniversary) has afforded me the opportunity to unwind, unplug, and rethink. OOh.. that's the biggest one - RETHINK.

Many of you can probably figure out that most days I am on this quest to remove the toxic, bring in the peaceful and say hello to a better tomorrow. I want what everyone else hopes to have one day: Peace of mind, a healthy body, a renewed spirit, a lasting relationship and a sea of excellent adventures. That's shooting for the stars, I know. I also realize it is all about the journey. But what I think I need right now - that probably most of us who are in their late 30s realize - I need peace more than anything.

I find that most days I am so keyed up and stressed, that I can hardly function. No wonder my blood pressure stays through the roof and my heart rate is well over 100. I am just stressed. Not so much that things are going wrong in my life.. no.. that's not it at all. It's more so that I put soooo much stress on myself to "over-achieve." In that - I mean.. well... when it comes to work.

Now some people may read that and laugh. But I DO! I set myself up, claim I can do all of these fabulous things - I feel like I have to do all of these things.. when really.. at the end of the day, I just want to feel like I am making a difference.

I am sooooooo keyed up most of the time - I just find that I get overwhelmed. Oh, and with good reason. I do have a LOT on my plate, and I am responsible for waaay more than I am paid for (I can assure you of that.) I am expected to create Miracles - and that is what I attempt to do on a daily basis.

But that is just it - I am not a Miracle worker. I am human, with flaws. I let myself down when I cannot reach some wild and crazy goal, then I come home - feeling bad. It translates into bitchiness.. and infects my home. My poor husband just wants a wife to love him, and do all of those wifey-things.. but I am busy trying to be a great Communications Guru and a Perfect little wifey and .. folks.. I am just is not hacking it.

I need to bring it all down about 12 notches or so.

I don't know what that means.. or what the next steps are.. or what. I just need to re-focus, and figure this thing out. I need to make a plan. A different one this time. Being on vacation, and unwinding proved to me one thing - I am a completely different person - a better person - when I have peace of mind.

Our year end evaluations are coming up. Never a pleasant thing to experience. Not for anyone, anywhere. Not in this economy. Not with limited media. Not when your goals are seriously higher than you could ever imagine. I never want to fall short. Never. I really do try. But I am one person.

I fear what I have seen so many other former co-workers go through- That "Goodbye, thanks for playing." I know I am being ridiculous, and no I do not expect this to happen to me. I am just trying to put things in perspective.

How many times do we all set such high expectations for ourselves, then end up only really disappointing ourselves? For me - too often.

I wish we were at a place that I could do what is right for me. But the egyptian and I are not. I have to be the "bread winner" for now. I have to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to do that - and yes, I will knock that ball out of the park. I am just simply admitting that I am tired. I am beat up. I am worn out.

I am strong. But sometimes.. I just want to curl up in a ball. I am a warrior... but sometimes I just want to live in peace.

How many of you have a similar story? How hard was it for you to make those hard decisions? Sometimes we have to sacrifice peace of mind - for a certain level of comfort in more material ways.

*sigh*

I will figure this out.. I always do.