Putting things in Perspective

This is us one year ago.

Happy to be together. Glad for a large part of the immigration journey to have ended.

It is Memorial Day weekend, and we are supposed to reflect on the service men and women who have given their lives for our safety and freedom.

I found that this very special weekend (both Federal Holiday and American Wedding anniversary) has afforded me the opportunity to unwind, unplug, and rethink. OOh.. that's the biggest one - RETHINK.

Many of you can probably figure out that most days I am on this quest to remove the toxic, bring in the peaceful and say hello to a better tomorrow. I want what everyone else hopes to have one day: Peace of mind, a healthy body, a renewed spirit, a lasting relationship and a sea of excellent adventures. That's shooting for the stars, I know. I also realize it is all about the journey. But what I think I need right now - that probably most of us who are in their late 30s realize - I need peace more than anything.

I find that most days I am so keyed up and stressed, that I can hardly function. No wonder my blood pressure stays through the roof and my heart rate is well over 100. I am just stressed. Not so much that things are going wrong in my life.. no.. that's not it at all. It's more so that I put soooo much stress on myself to "over-achieve." In that - I mean.. well... when it comes to work.

Now some people may read that and laugh. But I DO! I set myself up, claim I can do all of these fabulous things - I feel like I have to do all of these things.. when really.. at the end of the day, I just want to feel like I am making a difference.

I am sooooooo keyed up most of the time - I just find that I get overwhelmed. Oh, and with good reason. I do have a LOT on my plate, and I am responsible for waaay more than I am paid for (I can assure you of that.) I am expected to create Miracles - and that is what I attempt to do on a daily basis.

But that is just it - I am not a Miracle worker. I am human, with flaws. I let myself down when I cannot reach some wild and crazy goal, then I come home - feeling bad. It translates into bitchiness.. and infects my home. My poor husband just wants a wife to love him, and do all of those wifey-things.. but I am busy trying to be a great Communications Guru and a Perfect little wifey and .. folks.. I am just is not hacking it.

I need to bring it all down about 12 notches or so.

I don't know what that means.. or what the next steps are.. or what. I just need to re-focus, and figure this thing out. I need to make a plan. A different one this time. Being on vacation, and unwinding proved to me one thing - I am a completely different person - a better person - when I have peace of mind.

Our year end evaluations are coming up. Never a pleasant thing to experience. Not for anyone, anywhere. Not in this economy. Not with limited media. Not when your goals are seriously higher than you could ever imagine. I never want to fall short. Never. I really do try. But I am one person.

I fear what I have seen so many other former co-workers go through- That "Goodbye, thanks for playing." I know I am being ridiculous, and no I do not expect this to happen to me. I am just trying to put things in perspective.

How many times do we all set such high expectations for ourselves, then end up only really disappointing ourselves? For me - too often.

I wish we were at a place that I could do what is right for me. But the egyptian and I are not. I have to be the "bread winner" for now. I have to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to do that - and yes, I will knock that ball out of the park. I am just simply admitting that I am tired. I am beat up. I am worn out.

I am strong. But sometimes.. I just want to curl up in a ball. I am a warrior... but sometimes I just want to live in peace.

How many of you have a similar story? How hard was it for you to make those hard decisions? Sometimes we have to sacrifice peace of mind - for a certain level of comfort in more material ways.

*sigh*

I will figure this out.. I always do.