Ciao, September

A comedian once said, "When you wake up, hold your hands up in front of you and push. If there is nothing, it's okay. You lived." I assume he was referring to a coffin. This morning was sort of like that. I woke up, I rolled over, and I sort of just lay there. I'm awake. I'm breathing. That's about it.

Yes, I'm being ever so slightly melodramatic, but I've got to be honest with myself - I'm a little blah. Blah over how everything has turned out in my life, though please know, I recognize I am incredibly lucky compared to others. I am grateful for what I have, and for who I have become. I worked extremely hard to expose myself to as many things as possible, and for whatever reason, I find myself surrounded by some of the most interesting people, where ever I go... 

It's just that I feel stuck. 

Granted, I am sure it's a fleeting thing, and maybe I'm just being whiny. I think that cut from the museum, financially, did a number on me. Remember the movie, "Friday?"
 

Yeah, that's how I feel. lol

The good news - IT'S ALMOST OCTOBER. 

  If that is not reason to celebrate, I don't know what is! As you may know, historically September is very mean to me. My room mate and I were discussing it, and I listed out the dates of really big things that have happened to me (that were NOT happy,) and they all took place in September. Even she admitted, there seems to be a bit of a curse.

The good news is, Autumn is upon us! (One of my favorite seasons.) I bought a glittery jack-o-lantern that has a little light in it to celebrate. Yeah, I know.. cheesy. 

The cheese festival is taking place in Atlanta this weekend, as well as the One City Art Fest in Macon. As far as things to do - there are plenty! I talked the roomie into picking out a pumpkin to carve, and I certain hope someone throws a costume party! Not to mention, I finally get to break out those scarves I collect all year. 

There is so much to look forward to and be thankful for. 

Oh yeah.. I have something sort of funny to share. (Yes, the blog post is all over the damn place...) October will be no man October. I can't date during this month. No flirting. No nothing. Sound silly? It's not. I'm purging. I need a clean slate. Certain people are taking up too much of my time and too much space in my head. (And the truth is.. these situations will lead nowhere - so why waste my time?)

Sound good? lol We'll see.. We'll see..

So with that - Let's bid September a fond adieu. Time to roll on and embrace the holiday season! (Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas.)

 So throw the confetti, blow the horns, shoot off the fireworks..

Outside of losing some of my income, chipping a tooth, and ending a few dating prospects - I have survived. (Granted it's only 9:18am.. ) But a girl can dream, right?

And So It Ends.. or Begins?

Well one of my journeys has run its course. Another chapter has closed, and I am left to figure things out again.

That's right, my position, though recently cut from full time to part time (for the past two months) with the museum has been cut completely. 

And that's how the cookie crumbles.

I could sit here and pound out all of the things I think they should have cut, or done better, or whatever, but what would that accomplish?

The truth is - I loved the art. I enjoyed the history. I had a blast at the events, and to be perfectly honest, it gave me an opportunity to reestablish myself in my home town.

There is one glaring fact though - I might need to completely back away from non-profits. With this economy, it is incredibly hard to be self sustaining, and it seems positions are cuts, repositioned, or you are told your skills are of no use at this point in time (a little too often.) I've seen friends at other nonprofits experience the same hardship. Over and over and over...

Not to worry my friends, I have some great contract work (freelancing) with some organizations. My little "working for myself" is going to keep me afloat. Of course, now my level of fun will have to be contained, but I will be fine for now. 

I did have a really great interview with a local health system recently. Made it through the one on one and the panel. I have another with a historic house here in town on the 11th. I'll keep shooting out resumes, and if I don't land anything around here by December, it may be time for me to head out again.

Yes, I would like to just settle with one company for a bit. I need some normalcy. But in the meantime, I am just gliding through, and waiting to see what God has up his sleeve for me!

It's Going To Be A Challenge

You know those days that you wake up to, and after careful review of what is coming up, you know it will be a great challenge?

I am about to embark on one of those days.

It's funny how the universe sort of unfolds and reveals what it needs to show you, especially if you stop long enough to contemplate what it is you need. I often pray to God for a sign, some sort of pause, or even a solution I did not think of - and though the outcome sort of leaves me confused, I figure out very quickly that it was just what I needed.

Today, I do believe, is going to be one of those days.

I would like to say I have a little peace about it. If what I think is about to happen is something I have actually sort of looked forward to, but then again, I could be wrong. (I often am.)

2014 has really been a year of tying up loose ends and learning to let go of things not meant for me. I feel like I have been on one great big transition roller coaster, and unfortunately, due to the public nature of my job and lack of anonymity in a more tightly knit community, I have been unable to share with you guys as much as I used to back when I lived in Birmingham. Which in turn makes my writing very cryptic and emotionally topsy turvy. Perhaps, soon, I will be able to divulge all.

With that being said, I am preparing myself for a potentially emotionally draining day. It won't be the first of its kind, but it is definitely never easy. Then again, my signals could be crossed and its not what I expected at all.

As for what's been going on with me outside of this cryptic post - just lots of good times with friends, covering some fascinating stories for local publications, and trying very hard to eat a bit more healthily (again.) It's all a process, right?

Wine club was a huge success again. My little group of besties are so much fun. We officially consist of two guys and me and my roomie. From time to time, other people join us. This week we were laughing hysterically at some text messages one of our people was receiving from a girl who is pretty much turning into a massive stalker situation - complete with pics of her in her underwear. LOL WOW. We were all laughing at how consistently this girl kept texting this poor guy, and he was barely responding. She is just not getting the hint. Soooo sad.

My pottery/clay class ends tonight. Thank goodness. It was not as much fun as I had hoped. I am terrible at it. At least I gave it a try. I need to stick to what I am good at - dancing. ;-)

Alright my favorite peeps... have a fantastic day. I'm going to try to pull it together enough to rise above whatever challenges face me. I only have a few more days in the God forsaken month. Today the shoe may fall and give me that REALLY bad thing.. but that's okay. I'm ready. And sometimes.. adversity actually brings us opportunity.

:-) 

Things I Have Learned This Week

1. There are things I still want out of life. I'm 41, it is important I recognize what my needs are, and do everything within my power to provide the life I have always dreamed of. It is within me, I just need to remember that.

2. I keep making promises to myself about my weight. I keep breaking those promises. I need to hold myself accountable and makes some changes. Maybe this time.. maybe.

3. I'm not always good at reading the signals. Many times I misinterpret what is actually happening. I need to be more patient with myself. Actions speak louder than words.

4. I'm ready to purge items from my home. I just want to turn a new leaf. Maybe a complete purge is necessary to move forward.

5. I spent some much needed time with myself today. I attended a delicious brunch with friends, took myself book shopping and jewelry shopping. I feel so much better.

6. My ex husband and I have put some distance between ourselves - so those loose ends are all tied up. My ex boyfriend moved back to his hometown in Florida - so those loose ends are all tied up. Plus I know where I stand with everyone else, so really, my personal life is officially a blank slate. I think I am ready to move forward.

7. My health, my happiness, my ability to feel content - I think these are my goals at this point in time. I am making some changes in order to feel my best and be my best.

8. I need to set some boundaries with some people in my life. I think if I don't, things could end badly.

9. After taking a few weeks of a pottery/clay class.. um.. an artist I am not. ;-)

10. Finally, it is Saturday night. I could have gone out. I could have attended two different events. I chose to stay home. Yep.

Eleven Years Ago Today

I've always been a stickler for getting my yearly exams. You would think I would eat better and exercise more, considering how fanatical I am about taking care of your health. Believe it or not, outside of the salty chips and ridiculous amounts of condiments I like to taste, I do try to make good decisions. But not always.

Which is why it is hard for me to make a phone call today. I have to call my gynecologist and cancel my yearly exam. I don't have insurance, through no fault of my own. My job made some hard cuts, and I was made part-time - which means, no benefits. Sure, it will be a delay in having the exam, but for me delays are sort of scary.

You see, eleven years ago today, I had a hysterectomy. It was a surgery that in essence saved my life. We caught those cancerous cells early - through early detection. Granted, my body was not responding to the various smaller surgeries leading up to the big one, and even after that, about two years later it tried to metastasize in a different form (which led to a topical chemo treatment,) it was that yearly exam and early detection that made all of the difference.

Literally - eleven years today. My ability to ever give birth and my ability to not hit menopause a little early was taken away. I'm okay with the decision, but I find it such a coincidence that my reminder came in the mail for my appointment next week, and I can't go. 

Oh September. You just keep em coming.

Where are the signs?

September, September, September. You naughty little b*tch. 

I guess life wants to taunt me a little bit more. 

*smh*

Let's start with ragweed. Seriously - I am congested. I am coughing. I have sniffles. I have sinus pressure. 

God forbid I get a sinus infection. (No insurance at this point in time.)

Then I noticed my poor little Salvatore (who luckily has gone months without his URI, has started hacking up a lung, also. 

Geez.

Is it too late to hop a boat and just escape? I'm only about 2 1/2 hours from the ports in Savannah.. I mean.. it is not that far fetched.

Okay, okay.. let me not blame the month and everything else on why I don't feel good. Let's deal with what is really bothering.

This shower I went to today. Okay, not the shower, (because I LOVE who we threw it for..) it is just that subtle reminder that I am alone. So yes, it was a wedding shower. At least two of the girls there were engaged, and every one else for the most part was married, in a relationship, or just starting one. Then there was me.

Let's not forget, even the ole question about the job was sort of.. well.. I got nothing. 

Yes, I am freelancing, and yes the money is coming together nicely - but I have three more months with one contract that really keeps me afloat, and then I am on God's good grace. I've tried to keep my job search to my current vicinity, because I have a room mate, and it affects her also. But I am beginning to get nervous. I need something to come through (and yes, I have some irons in the fire - I've applied to three really good prospects.) 

But when I think about it, really take the time to think about it - why am I still here? Nothing is holding me here anymore. No significant other.  No child in school. No good job. Yes, my family is near by, but I rarely see them. Plus, they'll be perfectly fine without me.

I think Macon provided a nice little reprieve, while I sorted some things out. But honestly, maybe this is God's way of saying it is time to just move on.

This is what I am battling right now. 

Honestly, my whole sense of purpose seems limited. I'm calm - but being realistic. I don't know what to do. I truly do not. 

Everyone around me keeps saying the same old sh*t - "It'll work out." Yeah.. yeah.. I know. But that does not solve my current problem. 

I guess, at the end of the day, I just need something to look forward to. 

My Love Affair with Autumn

Picture I took back in Birmingham at the Pepper Place Farmer's Market

Do you remember the first time you fell in love with a season? I mean, seriously took note of how the earth transformed, and felt how marvelous this transition was?

I do. I was probably 9.

It was probably in late September or early October, and it was an unseasonably (for down here,) cool afternoon. I remember sitting on the cold metal staircase outside my apartment complex, just relaxing and listening to the wind. I assume no one could come out to play, and apparently I did not want to sit in the house. Actually, I never liked sitting in the house. If I have a choice to go outside or sit inside - I always choose the out-of-doors.

What I saw that day would forever change my life. The trees were swaying too and fro, and the wind was so strong that I remember my long, brown hair getting wrapped around my face and stinging my eyes. Once I was able to fully remove the strands from my face, I watched as hundreds of black birds flew in perfect formation over our home. I do not believe I had ever seen as many birds before or since. What surprises me, to this day, was how it affected me. I remember tears welling up in my eyes as I watched this marvelous natural occurrence.. my little world transition; I was simply blown away. 

Whenever I look back on Fall or Autumn (whichever way you like to call it,) I remember that day. I can still smell the dead leaves- that crispy, balsam-like, sweet scent. I remember the sounds of the "kaw kaw kaw" of the black birds, and the way the wind rushed past my ears making that "air thru a tunnel" sound you are familiar with at the beach. I remember how the sun hid behind the clouds, and how for the first time in many, many months, I needed a jacket. This feeling.. these memories.. that is when my love affair with Autumn began.

I can tell it is trying to make an appearance down here. My little herb garden has all but dried up for the season. My flowers are no longer blooming. I even have a slight cough (ragweed season,) and I feel a little bit chillier each morning. Of course, it is hot as hades down here, but just before the day really gets going, and right before I go to bed, it is comfortable again. This feeling is what I yearn for.

I have plans this holiday season. Plans to not only watch as the earth transitions, but to allow myself to transition along with it. I will probably know where my next full time job will be, and if not, it is a sign to move on again. So many good things will happen this season, and I welcome it with open arms - and a pumpkin spice latte. ;-)

Dearest September,

Dearest September,

I would like to make amends.

I think I have been harbouring too many ill feelings toward you. Yes, I realize you can be a little bitch and try to knock me down. No.. don't act like you don't. You know you do. I thought by now you would have gotten tired of me just getting back up.

You see, I'm VERY resilient.

Apparently it is a pretty strong character trait of mine. God sort of wired me this way.

With that being said, I understand your need to push me around, but I want to tell you.. it doesn't matter.

It really does not matter what you try to do to me.

You see - for whatever reason, I not only rise up.. I oftentimes rise even higher.

So with that being said. Let's redirect our energies, shall we?

How about... let's let by-gones be by-gones?

Let's just say that you are the beginning of football season and dead leaves. You bring me Starbucks Pumpkin Spice lattes and boots. It's okay to be a little snarky with me from time to time (Hell, it keeps me on my toes,) but there is no reason to be mean.

I am feeling good again. In August, I cut out some issues - too much conversation with my ex husband, untangled the wires with someone else. Actually, took a much needed break from a fairly stressful job and now I am just reinventing myself. I like it.. though not knowing what will happen is a little scary.

But not so scary that I let you get to me.

So with that, September, let's just agree to disagree and part ways for now. Don't waste your energy on creating havoc in my life. I'll only get right back up and be better than ever.

Putting It Out There

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...” José N. Harris, MI VIDA: A Story of Faith, Hope and Love 

My mind is clear. 

It has taken months to get to this point. Sometimes the fog clears, and then something comes along and clouds it back up. But I am happy to report, I think I have a plan. Sort of similar to the plan I had a few months before I graduated college.

Back in 1997, I had to make some serious life decisions. I was on the brink of graduating with a Bachelor of Science degree in Broadcast Journalism. I was in a serious relationship for years at this point, and my boyfriend and I were about to embark on our "life" journey. After all of those years of school, odd jobs, and a semi-carefree life, it was time to make those hard decisions. He was from Atlanta, and I was from Macon.

 “You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”
― Michelle Obama

I landed an internship at a local TV station in my hometown. It required me to work full time (40 hours a week,) for three months. Did I forget to mention I was was working for free? Yep. But I did it - never once calling in sick and kicking ass and proving myself the entire time. It paid off - I got hired as a producer for the #1 CBS affiliate in the nation. My boyfriend spent that first summer working in a little restaurant slinging pizzas in our college town. His degree was in psychology. He ended up moving to where I was, but unfortunately got stuck selling insurance. 

The problem was - My dream was happening, his was not. 

Our goal was to get our degree and find jobs in our field, preferably in the same town. I got my wish. He did not get his. Our plan B was to move to Europe and teach English as a second language. He ended up leaving to do that. I stayed back working in television. He still lives in Europe. I no longer work in television, but I have found myself back in a journalist position.

Now I have another plan A and B to work through. 

 “If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”
― Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

You see, I have contracts to hold me over until December... well.. the end of December, and unless I land a full-time job, I'm going to have to make some serious decisions. Yes, I'm interviewing for a few quality jobs, but who knows how that will turn out. If I get something super incredible, then I will go where the doors open. If not, I need to bounce. Literally - bolt out of Macon.

I sort of don't have a choice. I'm doing everything I can, but honestly, it simply could mean God has something else in store for me. I figure I have until January to figure it all out. Granted, I am under a lease until June 30, but I have to let them know if I plan to resign in April. That basically gives me four or so months to pull it together. Which means.. what could plan B be?

I've toyed with the idea of living in Savannah since I was a teenager. I have three fantastic friends who recently moved down there, and they are happy as can be. I have a support system.. sooo.. why not consider it?

But the sky is the limit... you know? I'm ready. I feel like I sort of have one foot in my community and one foot toying the line. I have no idea what is next. 

That's kind of exciting.  


“Don`t be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can`t cross a chasm in two small steps.”
― David Lloyd George

Where Have I Been?

Life was meant to be lived. Lord knows, I am trying. 
You may or may not remember earlier this year some of the promises I made myself. 
1. Was to spend more time with the people who mean the most to me.
2. Drink more wine.
3. Have more fun.

Though I always try to have a blast, I've been working hard on a few of those things. For one, I found myself over the past year spending time with people I  have to. Not anymore. I am spending time with people that strike a cord with my heart.

Also, I realized that I needed more wine in my life. Granted, this is more of a tongue-in-cheek statement, but some friends of mine and I started a little "Wine Club."

Finally, I am trying to just enjoy life.. 2014 has sort of stuck it to me. ;-) It is okay, I am looking forward to wrapping the year up.

With that being said - here is a little of what I have been up to:

Wine club. I guess I really need to call it weekly therapy with people I adore.

Lunch with two fellow writers/PR gurus/freelancers at our favorite spot - Roasted.

Looking a little diva-licous with my fellow Studio 54 caravanners

My dear friends Scott & Bill - ready for the Studio 54 party

SEC football time- Roll Tide!

Lunch with my family - Dad, Mom, and Heather

A little Wine Club time...

Yep - a little lunch with Autumn and the egyptian. We are still friends.

What is a Studio 54 party without a little nose candy? It's a joke.. I promise..

Have you ever had one of these? You should. The only place you can get them around here is at Ocmulgee Traders.

70's fabulous for the Studio 54 party

An ACTUAL moscato from the actual region.

Have you jumped on the growler bandwagon yet?

Me with Autumn.

My dear friend Tonya and I at the Studio 54 party to benefit the Macon Arts Alliance

Yep.. that's how hot it gets.. feels.. etc..

Charter members of wine club - aka - therapy - aka an excuse to get together

Love these guys - Derek and Brent

Cake pop! Disco ballish!

Derek & Lynn

Game day grub - we fry it up down here

A house divided. lol

More game day shenanigans

Lauren, Scott, and me!

Mid week dinner with Derek, Lynn & Brent

Remember these? Labor Day weekend fun

I made a new friend - Lynn's niece.

Dallas & Chris - Studio 54

Spent Labor Day weekend in Alabama with Lynn's family. Her brother & sister-in-law

More 70s awesomeness - Andre and Stephanie

I took a quick day trip to my college campus! Georgia College & State University - in Milledgeville, GA. We are celebrating 125 years!

Lynn & Molly!

Brent & I at wine club

Finally - Me at High Falls!

 I also want to thank each of you for five incredible years on this blog. Yes, the writing is suffering a bit - but don't worry, I am sorting it all out.

Have a fantastic September - we know how I feel about this month. ;-)