Soooo... I had a bad day yesterday. Not a bad life. Just a single bad day.
I awoke grumpy and felt sort of miserable all day long. People at work were also grumpy. Two grumpys do not make a happy.
I finally made it home that night and after a few mind numbing hours in front of the TV, I decided to pray.
Oh you know the kind of prayer... the kind where you just lay your heart and worries right there at the foot of God. Then you cry.. cry cry cry. It felt good. It was much needed.
This morning, I decided to bring my own sunshine to work. Instead of my typical cup of coffee, I opted to read a chapter out of a book my friends Stacey and Jonathon gave me for my birthday. It was the first chapter in "Praying with Saint Teresa of Avila." Her first meditation deals with your interior/internal castle. In her book, she describes the soul as living within you, within it's own castle. She visualizes this castles as being clear as diamonds, and a glorious place to dwell. She adds that God resides in the center of this fortress... inside of you. (meaning the holy spirit)
Within this meditation, you are asked several questions that all require positive answers. Somehow I am supposed to be so delighted that God resides within me, and I should be able to share all of the good and glory and what not.
People... I was stuck. Like, so stuck I was questioning whether God had just given up on me.
WTH? (Could be interpreted what the hell or what the heaven?) lol
Needless to say, the closing prayer is one where you participate in a mantra of your own creating.
I decided to ask God to remind me throughout the day that he does reside within me. I suppose when you go through as much stuff as I have in the past 3 or 4 years, it's hard to remember that I have a soul, or that I am a good person. I think once you lose a job, you feel a sense of abandonment. Like you are not good enough and not wanted. When you lose a spouse, you feel another sense of abandonment. Again - not good enough, not wanted.
Then to feel unappreciated in your day to day life is a lot to bare. Including not understanding the whys and hows and whats.
I've sort of left my spiritual side dormant for a while now. I tend to do that when I am on autopilot.
It's time to reawaken the spirit in all facets of my life. To seek God.. in my own way.
That's a new path to take.
2 comments:
I can't even begin to get into why or how I can relate to this one (it's there . . . oh, boy, is it ever), but I will just say that I completely understand what you are writing. I, too, am on a spiritual journey of sorts right now. Wishing you peace, my friend. Big time.
Beautifully said Nicole. Thank you for this honest post. Want to add that I have SO been there many times... wondering why God didn't feel nearer when He was supposed to be living inside me. I don't have an answer for that but I do know that faith is what makes a difference. It is having the faith to believe God is there, even when, especially when, I can't feel Him. When I get out of bed in the middle of the night, in the dark, I can't see my floor but I know it is there and so I land on it solidly (ok maybe not solidly when I am half asleep and tilting to the side, lol) but I can count on my floor being there in the dark, to support me. I guess that is how I see God in my life. When its dark and I can't feel his presence, I believe he is still there. Hugs Nicole!
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