Flaws.... I have a few

It's hard for those of us who want so desperately for everything around us (and inside of us,) to be perfect- to actually admit we have flaws.

I hate my flaws.

Or do I?

I got to thinking about what a flaw is. How does it define me, and just how much does it affect my self esteem.

If I look up the definition of flaw, it states:

flaw¹

flô/

noun

noun: flaw; plural noun: flaws

1.

a mark, fault, or other imperfection that mars a substance or object.   "plates with flaws in them were sold at the outlet store"

synonyms:

defect, blemish, fault, imperfection, deficiency, weakness, weak spot/point/link, inadequacy, shortcoming, limitation, failing, foible;

I suppose the next step is to take stock of my "imperfections." Recognize and admit that yes, I do indeed, have several flaws.

Let's start with the superficial ones, shall we?

1. I have ugly toes. (I blame those years of dancing in pointe shoes.)
2. I have a big belly.
3. I have chubby thighs.
4. I have hair I have to color every 6 weeks or I would be gray.
5. I have a bad pinky nail on my right hand. (Old infection, from over 20 years ago, dead nail.)
6. My teeth are stained from drinking too much coffee.
7. I have skin tag scars from having some removed under my arm.
8. My boobs are entirely too big. (I wear a G. Yes, you read it here.)
9. I have a huge bottom.
10. My forearms develop a rash when I am under a lot of stress.
11. I have an indention in my cheek when I smile - all from falling down some stairs when I worked in television, face first.
12. My toes have such severe arthritis from years of dancing, it's hard to move them most days.
13. I have splotchy freckles on my face.
14. I have love handles.
15. The skin on my heels is oftentimes dry, no matter what I do!
16. My eyebrows are developing gray.
17. My hair is prone to frizziness.
18. I'm short, and apparently shrinking.
19. I have dark circles under my eyes.
20. I have deep crevice wrinkles on my forehead.

Or I could keep going...

Now for the interior stuff:

1. I am extremely moody. One minute I am happy, the next I want to bite your head off.
2. I talk too fast. (Though my theory is people just think too slow.)
3. I am extremely sarcastic. I used to say cynical, but I don't think that's true anymore. But I have a very smart mouth and it gets me in tons of trouble.
4. My face is very expressive - I can't hide my emotions very well.
5. I may seem aloof when I meet new people.
6. I have a very sharp tongue. It's never good to tangle with me, I am not easily intimidated by anyone.
7. I think most people I meet are not as smart as me. (That's just horrible... isn't it?)
8. I can't spell. (which totally screws up #7.)
9. I suffer from word vomit.
10. I'm actually more sensitive than I would like to admit.
11. I do not trust very easily.
12. I tend to attract opportunists.
13. I do not process emotion quickly.
14. I am terrible at math.
15. If I like something, I will over indulge.
16. I'm scared sometimes to try things I really want, for fear of failure.
17. I do not feel loved. Ever. I mean... ever. 
18. I would not sacrifice myself for anyone else. So yes, I'm selfish.
19. Money burns a hole in my pocket. I do love to shop.
20. I am incredibly critical of myself.

Again.. I could go on all day long.

Now that I have identified my flaws - how can I learn to embrace them?
After doing a little research on the subject, I have to say that I am pleased to see one of the first sentences on Mind+Body+Green website say:
It takes a remarkable mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity to own up to your own faults, a maturity than cannot be bought or sold and does not come with age but rather circumstance.

Wow. Okay, that feels good.. I think. Many years ago, I went to a therapist to work through some issues, and he said, and I have to say it was the best advice ever, "Nicole, it's not about fixing yourself. It's about being self-aware. Understanding why you do what you do." 

I suppose some of the items on my list can be changed. Like the weight issues and learning to think before I speak, but overall, some of those items may never be changed. What I have to do is understand why, accept it for what it is, and simply live my life. If I am my own worst critic, then I need to fire that critic and replace her with a cheerleader. I've come a long way in life - from that shy scrawny kid, to.. is it wrong to admit it... a strong, successful, intelligent, and mildly beautiful woman. 

Are you able to see your flaws? Are you self aware enough to admit it and move on? 

Why I Write

my desk

Some of my friends think I am absolutely out of my mind for writing a blog. They don't understand why I would share my thoughts, feelings, issues, and adventures with the world - especially when I am notorious for answering the question, "How are you?" in person with, "I'm fine."

But for me, writing is cathartic. I need to write. I have to write. Why? Because my head is constantly swimming with ideas, memories, and sometimes... I just feel and care too damn much. 

I wish I could just decompress by watching mindless reality tv or a glass of wine. I can't. I have to get it out, and talking to other people is really not an option for me. I do share some things, but honestly, I cannot express myself verbally the way I really need to. 

The girl with the communications background has a hard time with communication. The girl with the Broadcast Journalism degree is more comfortable observing and reporting.

I read an excellent article today, it was titled, "How to think like a writer." The funny thing is, all of the things it suggested are things that I do naturally, without anyone telling me this is something I should do. 

According to Carolyn Gregoire, a writer should:
- Study the greats
- Observe everything
- Daydream
- Write from your own truth
- Make writing your top priority
- Find your creative inspiration, wherever it may be
- Know what you are getting yourself into
- Find space for solitude
- Take it one day, one sentence at a time
- Compete only against yourself
- Just do it... and do it with joy

When I look over that list, I see many of my very truths - my essential habits. I am sure many of you who are writers do the same. 

I think the most important thing to remember is- a writer comes in all forms. I like to document what I see, hear, feel, and believe. Some of you may create make believe worlds. Some may express through rhyme, while others do it lyrically. It doesn't matter how it is done, as long as someone does it.

It took me years to realize that I had a voice. When I found that voice, I was able to find a way to express without sounding callous (a terrible habit of those of us whose sense of humor is very dry and sarcastic.) Here I am able to express, not repress and be who I really am.

Thanks for traveling on that journey with me. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I am doing what I love. 

Hard Conversations

That girl to the left is me - age 20 or so. I was sitting on the front campus of Georgia College & State University, already a junior in college, studying to be a journalist.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to complete my degree in Broadcast Journalism and travel the world, exposing injustice and highlighting life's little miracles.

I'm 41 now, a whole other lifetime later - and I still want to change the world, at least my little corner of the world. Try as I might, I can't quite seem to walk away from exposing my community's injustices and little miracles.

I did achieve that journalist's dream, and later I transitioned to work in nonprofits. At 39, I was able to mix two worlds I loved - art + nonprofit. As many of you know, I am the Director of Sales & Marketing for the Tubman African American Museum.

Aside from that title, I am still just a girl who wants to make a difference. I am incredibly lucky that I get to not only make an impact on my community, I get paid to do it. 

Unfortunately, I find myself backed into a corner. My museum was hit with some very hard information and it could potentially cause serious problems.

We've seen it time and time again - government and corporate spending/donations dwindling away. I understand that. You can't work in nonprofit as long as I have and not fall victim to this. I've also experienced life unemployed - both are absolute dark times, for certain. 

My museum just found out that the Mayor has proposed cutting all money to the museum. That means $250,000 would be eliminated in about 6 weeks. That's 40% of our operating budget. (that's what helps keep the doors open.) Let me repeat - this decision will be voted on in 6 weeks. As wonderful as we are, we are 99.9% not likely to raise a quarter of million dollars in just 6 weeks.... unless our commissioners vote in favor of reinstating this money.

Not only is it terrifying for me personally - it's terrible for our community. It's such a short sighted move. I'll tell you why - this community NEEDS the museum to not only contribute to the quality of life, but there is a definite need to promote the art, history and culture of the African American community.

How many African American museums can you name? How many serve as broad an audience as we do? How many are located in the thick of where the Civil War - Civil Rights - Integration - and a whole slew of activities took place? If we don't tell the story... who will? 

So many people do not value the arts, and it all goes back to education and exposure. I can assure you, if you took music, art, theater, dance, and a list of other amazing activities, there would be absolutely no reason to live. When I say music - I mean even the music you listen to on the radio. When I say art, I even mean the clothes you wear, to the jewelry you buy, to the very design of your car. When I say theater - I mean the movies you watch, the tv shows you are addicted to, and when I say dance - I mean the most exhilarating movement you can possibly use to express. Of course I mean the classics (art/live theater/orchestra/etc,) but I want to drive home that message that you are SURROUNDED by art. It's all a part of the creative process, and if my museum does not survive this, a piece of that creative process dies.

Our museum was founded by Father Richard Keil. Richard has since left the priesthood, but it was the priesthood that was the catalyst for events he would witness that would create this museum. He was a farm boy from Wisconsin, and eventually was assigned to rural Alabama/Mississippi during the Civil Rights era. He saw atrocities, he witnessed injustice, he made a decision early on that human rights were for all people, regardless of color. When he was moved to Macon, Georgia to work as the priest at St. Peter Claver, he eventually decided to put his money down on an old dilapidated building downtown, and turned it into a museum to celebrate the culture of African Americans. 

Did I mention he was a white man? Yes, he was - but that doesn't matter.

30 some years later, here we face a potential issue. Of course, as with everything, it goes back to money. I can only raise awareness so much - but I can't make you care. You might think, "Hey... we are like 40 years past the Civil Rights era... let's move on." If that is true, why did I receive hate mail at work after a television interview? Don't remember? Let me show you - click HERE.

It still exists - which means we have a looooooong way to go. How better to tell the story of the struggles and triumphs of this issue than with a museum dedicated to it. We have to understand the past so that we don't repeat it. 

Again, I can't make anyone vote a certain way. I can't make you write to your commissioners. I can't make you buy a membership, or organize a rally, or even read this blog - but I can ask. 

Do what you can .... with what you have.... where you are. 

If you want to understand what I am talking about... click HERE. (That's detailed info.)

Personally, I'm trying really hard to fight like hell. I want this museum to succeed, with or without me. I want this community to succeed - but a decision to pass this budget without reinstating the $250,000 would be detrimental.  I will be fine... I always am. But for once, it's time to roll up our sleeves and decide what's important. 

Where do you stand, and are you brave enough to stand up and fight for it? 

PS - though I may work for the museum, this is in no way the reflection or opinion of the museum. This is me - just sharing what I feel is the right thing to do. No one has permission to use anything I have said as a response from the museum, because it is not that. This is simply a Macon-Bibb County, tax paying resident voicing her opinion on a personal blog. 

Read Any Good Books Lately

I love my Kindle. Everyone who knows me, typically know my Kindle is not too far away from wherever I am sitting. I simply love to read, and to write. However, the past couple of weeks, I have not been able to do either.

Nothing is wrong - I'm just distracted.

Each night I open up my Kindle and begin one of the five or six books I have tried to start, and unfortunately can't get into. They are all delightful books, just none are holding my attention.

Nothing.

It's frustrating. Heck, even when it comes to the blog, I simply cannot think of anything to share. Nothing even remotely dramatic is going on in my life (and no, I am not complaining,) and the few things that might be bothersome are not things I can discuss (like work or personal relationships.) Which, btw, are not bothersome... just trudging through a heavy work schedule and trying to navigate the waters of dating/relationships at 40.

Then last night, this person I know asked me if I were a work-a-holic. Seriously.
Now here is what you need to know about me - Yes, I work and sometimes I have to work events and other things, so it looks like I spend a lot of time working. However, I am the queen of saying no and doing what I want to do, versus what someone else wants me to do. Sooo.. I have to say I was incredibly put off by the comment. Yuck.

Back to the books...

Here is what is currently open on my Kindle (with a few chapters being read of each:)
- A Religion of One's Own by Thomas Moore
- Reshaping It All - Candace Cameron
- Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer - Seth Smith
- Lean In - Sheryl Sandburg
- Cult - Warren Adler
- My Booky Wook - Russell Brand
- The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Seriously.

Can't seem to get far with any of these books.

What are you reading so far?

What Are YOU doing?

I'm just going to break it down - I've been busy.

It's good! It's better than good - it's awesome.

I am finally taking a moment to catch every one who may still be reading (btw - who IS still reading, I see lots of page views, but very few comments... just like to know if you guys are still out there, not just passing through. :-) 

Let's begin, shall we?

Afternoon margaritas with my roomie have been a life saver!

Enjoyed a wonderful lunch with someone on Saturday.. lol... coloring was involved. 

Loved having my Dad hang out with me on the balcony.. smoking his cigar. 

Oh yeah.. the container garden is coming along nicely... 

Also spent an afternoon at a winery with someone special. Good times.. 

Enjoyed spending time with my friends, Bill, Angel, Stephanie, and Scott at Travis Jean - an upscale "New Orleans inspired" gallery and antique store. 

My friend Angel hanging out at the Magnolia Street Soap Box derby

I scored some tickets... who's going with me?

Working extremely hard at work with our Dir. of Edu and my friend, Tonya. 

Did I mention the massive and wildly successful press conference we had?

Hanging out with my good friend, Scott. 

A slight wipe out at the soap box derby

Was an absolute blast in downtown Macon. 

My roomie and I

Someone's last day as a 7 year old!

Hanging out with my friends Bill & Molly

Celebrated Autumn's birthday with a Zombie theme.. AND.. it was Easter. 

Progress is coming along well.. 

Our new museum should reopen to the public in March of next year.

Coming alone beautifully and ON SCHEDULE!

More friends at the Soap Box Derby... 

Food trucks and everything. Was a GREAT Saturday. 

Hanging out with David and Lynn (outside of Chris & Carey's home.)

My plants are coming along well.. this was right before I potted them officially. 

I scored some baked mac & cheese from a food truck that sold all types of mac & cheese in a bowl!

It's hard to get a photo of him... I found him hiding in my bathroom. lol 

Some of my favorite girls - Angel (a writer,) Stephanie (a writer & Advertising professor,) Me (a writer and Marketing Dir) and my sweet roomie. Three writers and a blonde walk into a bar... ;-)

Little man has been sick - AGAIN. 4th URI in a year. Pray for his health. 

More soap box derby fun

Bow down to the princess... or maybe I'm a fairy.. not sure... 

Happiness with my niece and sister

My goodness is her hair turning slightly red and her freckles are coming out. The Scotch Irish is strong in this one. 

C'est Moi - Selfie

Hanging out with friends Friday night at the Hummingbird - Watching Floco Torres perform. (Jeff, Danny, & Lynn.)

Now what have YOU been up to. Tell me!

Living it Up!

“Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?” 
― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

And there you have it - another weekend where I took some time to replenish my soul and enjoy life... just a little bit more.

My roomie and I were chatting about life, love, and everything else in between on Friday night. We sat, as we normally do, in our fold out chairs on the balcony, sipping margaritas and watching the sun set. As we were solving most of the world's problems, it hit me - My biggest fear is dying without truly living. It has always been so. 

With that being said, my most intimate wish is to feel as if I have done all I could do, seen all I wanted to see, and experienced as much of this life as humanly possible and to take advantage of what it has to offer. I want this realization to hit me the moment I close my eyes for the last time.

Too much to ask? I don't think so.

These are the types of things I think about at 41. I've accomplished plenty career wise, and I realize there is waaaay more ahead. I have been married. I have lost people. I've experienced a lot of the successes and failures I was either hoping for or dreading as a young adult. Now, I have new hopes and fears - but something else that I never had before - a sense of finality and peace.

A weird little twinge of peace that sorts of rears its head from time to time. 

Lately, my stressors and fears include the "unlived life," or filing and paying taxes and even having enough for retirement. It includes getting my health back on track by watching what I eat and exercising a little more. You feel so invincible when you are younger, it's crazy how quickly all of those bad choices you made catch up to you in your 40s. 

Then the goals that I have set - I still have hopes and dreams. There are still 1/2 a dozen places on this planet I simply must see. I need to find a house (vacation or permanent) that I would like to spend my later years. I would like to go back to school and learn a few new things. I want to have a life partner/husband/soulmate - whatever you call that person. There's other stuff, but that's for my heart only. 

It is incredibly important that we live our lives to the fullest. Everyday - try to say yes, when no would just be easier. Put yourself in situations that challenge you. Be a risk taker. (Not in the toxic sense, but by expanding your bubble.) Each day, each hour - we get another chance. 

C. Joy Bell C. once said, "You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.” 

What do you plan to do this week to truly live your life to the fullest? 

The Professional World Rat Race - Guest Blog Post

Anna Kaye is the tiny person in the middle

The next guest blog post comes to you from one of my favorite interns of all time, Miss Anna Kaye. She worked with me several years ago at the American Heart Association in Birmingham. 

What I love most about AK is that she is a little spitfire! Whenever I see that quote, "Fierce, but flexible," I often think of her. (She will probably be surprised by that!) She is hands down one of the nicest people I have ever met.... so where did I get the "fierce" part? Because she has a determination to learn. She will not stop until she makes something happen, and I know, from the bottom of my heart, she is going to "make it" one day. (Of course, I'm going to have to convince her to try in smaller cities.. but you know, it's a hard lesson to learn. ;-) ) LOL - Without further babbling... here is her piece - The Professional Rat Race. 

*Oh look, Amy updated her LinkedIn profile. She received another promotion? And she’s three years younger than I am. Good grief. If I ever hope to be as successful as she is I should have ignored the child labor laws and joined the work force at 11.”

If you know anything about the professional world, you know how easy it can be to transition from a normal human being into the green-eyed monster with one simple glance at any social media outlet. It seems like everywhere you turn it’s another friend’s super chic internship in NYC, promotion at an exclusive ad agency or another publication in a magazine. 

You can also look at it through the eyes of your current job. Maybe it’s not exactly where you thought you would be, but you enjoy the atmosphere and the people you work with. But you were hoping to be more than just an “assistant.” Sure, anyone can photo copy and file, but you want to contribute more, expand your skills, and most importantly, finally be taken seriously as an upcoming professional. 

When you were in college you probably had your ideal job already picked out. However, reality set in post grad and you needed something to pay the bills. So how can we keep our perspective while waiting for said dream job to come along? 

Remember where you are now in life, is not necessarily where you will be five years from now. Life happens and things can change quickly. If you’re the adventurous type, maybe you’ll be able to relocate and start your journey from scratch. You never know how those opportunities will help you in your career walk. 

Focus on the things in your life which you enjoy and expand on them. If you love the arts, take a painting, writing or photography class.  If you love music, try your hand at the piano or guitar. If you love kids, volunteer at a children’s science center or any other local place for kids. 

You don’t have to become your 9-5 job. Your job doesn’t define your identity as a person. You are more than simply an assistant. You have much more to bring to the table even if you don’t see that right now. Even though you see your co-workers advancing and being recognized for their achievements, it doesn’t diminish the unique, creative, fun person you are. Don’t get so caught up in the race that you’re burnt out before you have the chance to shine.

I got nothing today

I want to write something profound.

But I've got nothing.

Seriously.

Writer's Block.

There are so many moving pieces right now.. I can't seem to focus on just one.

Ugh.

I hate that feeling.

I guess I could recap my weekend.

It was good.

Got caught in a Blue Grass Matrix (as one friend referred to it) on Friday night. It was First Friday in Downtown Macon and.. well.. every venue had country music. Not. My. Favorite.

Saturday I spent the day shopping. I mean I did some SERIOUS shopping.

Sunday night I had a date with a really nice guy.

And now...

I am just....

Blocked.

My closet is organized. Yep. I packed all of my sweaters up and moved all of my tees down.
I bought a few plants to be potted.
All of the pollen was washed away from my car.

Yep.

Blocked.

I'll be back once inspiration begins to flow again. Need to tidy up some loose ends... I'll be right as rain soon. ;-)

Thinking About Age... Thinking About Life

I think we all put a little too much stress on ourselves. I am completely guilty of this, so much so that I find that I am often times my own worst enemy.

Take the whole aging process - I created a whole slew of non existent, time constraint issues for myself concerning my life. I think by turning 41, I sort of some how decided that I have some imaginary time table and that because I have made it this far and it seems like life is just floating by so fast, that certainly time is a-wasting.

But let's be honest for a minute, time is going at the same speed it always did. Christmas, though suddenly only 7ish months away, is STILL seven months away and a LOT can happen in that amount of time. I think the only difference is, now I simply don't take the time to breathe, enjoy, and savor. 

Oh... I go through my phases of having my shit together, but like many of you, I sort of throw myself into a "tizzy" and flip back and forth in my own little self-induced drama storm. 

Truth is - no one knows how much time they have - so why the time table? NONE of it is guaranteed. Why have I set these limitations and guidelines for myself? 

It all just wears me out. 

With that being said, I really want to work on practicing mindfulness more. I think it is incredibly necessary for me. 

Some of you may be wondering what mindfulness is, and I'm going to tell you! I first read about the practice of mindfulness back in 1996 or so. I read a book by this random Buddhist practitioner, and in my desire to slow my mind down, and in turn live a less anxious life, I learned about this exercise. If you Google it, you'll see all of this stuff about reaching a path to enlightenment and what not, and no, I'm not seeking a guru and clear out my chakras, I'm just trying to appreciate the moment. 

Now officially, the Buddha advocated that one should establish mindfulness (satipaṭṭhāna) in one's day-to-day life, maintaining as much as possible a calm awareness of one's body, feelings, and mind. By doing so, it is believed that you become wiser, reduce stress, can even conquer a few fears and open your mind. 

I'm down for all of that. 

But the practice - goes a little bit deeper. 

I hope you watched the video. 

Now... onto trying to slow down my mind, being aware of the blessings all around me... and really...  chill the eff out!

Best 80's Girl Ballads

The other day I found this quirky little independent movie on Netflix called, "Dirty Girl." I was barely 30 minutes into the movie and I had to download the soundtrack. Song after song were songs I belted at the top of my lungs through my middle and high school years.

With that being said, it made me look over my music collections and figure out what songs I still had on hand, and then of course, in fine Nicole form, I had to create a new playlist that I simply cannot get enough of.

Without any more rambling.. take a little step back in time with me, and let's relive our prepubescent and high school years!


and finally -