Inspiration in Blogland

One of the strongest women I have ever read about is Harriet Tubman. She was an abolitionist, a spy for the Union, and she escaped slavery. She went on to help hundreds of slaves escape their captors through a series of tunnels known as the underground railroad. Amazing woman. All of the odds were stacked against her, and yet she prevailed and changed the lives of so many people.

She once said, "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."

My dreams have been put on hold. Or so I thought.

I have been letting my circumstances hinder my ability to fly. Here I am, with the perfect opportunity to go out on a limb and change my course, and yet all I am doing is putting myself down with negative talk. It's not the egyptian arguing with me. It's not my family telling me I can't do it. It's not my friends. No one is saying I cannot do something brilliant. Sure, the situation is less than ideal - but this time my friends, it's me.

I come here everyday to scan the blogs. Looking for personal stories mainly. (I tend to open your posts if they seem to have a good message.) Yes, unfortunately, I tend to judge a post based on it's title.

That aside, there are three people who are consistently inspiring me to go after whatever it is God intends for me to do.

For example, when I woke up, I had no idea what to write about. I am literally sitting here in my white cotton pajamas (with little hot pink snow flakes on them,) wrapped in my snuggie and drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee with the gingerbread creamer. I scanned and found Leslie at Words of Me Project and her post hit home. She said something in her post that just resonated with me:

Of not following through with my heart made plans.

I have this whisper
then this grand idea
and do bit here and thereBut then I just stop.

I don't follow through
I understood Leslie perfectly.
Then she took the words right out of my mouth:

I compare myself to everyone.
And when they may have success at something
then I am certain that they
just took my dream away
and I get angry and sad
and I just want to say WHY can't MY dreams come true
 
But that's just the thing - I used to be the person that would always be soooo happy for people who were able to go on and do amazing things. It always gave me hope.
 
Since the episode of the Soul Snatchers (if you are new here, read past posts to understand who THEY are,) my hope supply has slowly been depleting. My passion has fizzled.
 
Sure, I am pumped up about the Peace Corps - but that is in the future. It takes a long time to even possibly get picked. (Long time as in 1 year to even 18 months.)
 
I am talking about long term happiness and purpose. Post 27 months in some random village somewhere. I am talking about the here and now.
 
I have a few friends that it seems things are falling into place. I say seems, because they are sharing the good stuff. I am so proud of them, and I am so jealous of their success. Not in a bad way, I would NEVER, EVER be like that. But in a "I wish I had something to offer the world" sort of way.
 
Then, on the flip side, I DO have something to offer the world, but I just need to narrow it down, and I don't mean I need some stupid Cosmo quiz to help me figure it out, or some "What Color is My Parachute?" book to guide me on my God-Given quest.
 
Last night, I opened up the book again. You remember the one? The Artist's Way. Just to tap into some creative energy. That book almost echoed Leslie's voice - it said, "Don't wait to have enough money, or enough time, or the right moments... just go for it."
 
Some of the suggestions they presented in the first chapter was to start with your morning pages. I think I will get a notebook and do that. I know I write here first thing in the morning, but there are things I might feel more comfortable writing in a private notebook, without getting any backlash from this middle Georgia peanut gallery. (Oh yeah.. some people have been scouring my blog looking for some little nuggets to start drama. I don't play those games.)
 
For whatever reason, my creative censor is pushing back on this notebook. I read, that's just my inner insecurities pushing through. So, okay - I'll do it.
 
Second they suggest I take an Artist's Date. Just go somewhere and be inspired. Done. Will take care of that this weekend.
 
Finally, for this first week, I need to create a Monster Hall of Fame - people who stifled my creativity, plus I need to create a Champions of Inspiration - people who encourage me.
 
My intention is to do this. Though, like Leslie said above, there is the whisper, and the urge, and I even start on a path - following through is a completely different story.
 
Hold me accountable? Okay?
 
I need to follow Thoreau's advice, " Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
 
Finally - to my friends and family - here is what I need to say to you:
 
"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."~ W.B. Yeats
 

Laura Rowe Photography

Gloomy Sunday

Typically, a gloomy Sunday is just what the doctor ordered. A reason to stay in my pajamas, to sip coffee, and to lazily doze off from time to time. But instead of feeling super relaxed, I have a desire to get up and get going.

In yesterday's post - I mentioned I did not feel like going to Zumba. But I did - and sooo glad I did.  It did make a huge difference in how I felt the rest of the day. I also chose to hold myself accountable to the changes I have slowly been making in my life. Some of you may have read the post about my new journey - Path to Wellness. I am so serious about making some serious changes both mentally, physically and spiritually. This whole path I have been on, trying this - testing that, dropping that, adding this - is just not enough.

What started this? The freaking pain in my shoulders. I noticed, during an argument the other day, the shooting pain got worse, and I could hardly lift my arm. I think the stress is getting pretty chronic, and that is something I will not stand for.

So I went to the doctor, and explained my symptoms. I told her it could be stress, but I was not sure. She has referred me to an Orthopedic Doc for xrays on Tuesday morning, and she gave me muscle relaxers. Here's the thing - the muscle relaxers only knock me out. The tension is still there. Plus - I have NO desire to be one of THOSE people who depend on drugs for pain relief.

That's why I pushed through Zumba, and decided to be very careful of my food intake. I see food as medicine/fuel, and I want to eat things that may have anti-inflammatory properties. I just made that official committment, and put it all out there.

The other day, one of my coworkers expressed how it was so important for my spirit to have goals to accomplish. I could not agree more. I need to set some goals for my mind, body and spirit. For my mind - I have found something to study and I am SUPER excited about it. Yes, it is a little "school" time, if you will. I will reveal all in good time. I want to make sure this is what I would like to try out on the side.

As for the body - I need to up my game. I was playing around in my old Weight Watchers books the other day, and I read that my Zumba class (for example) will add 11 points to my day. WOW. That's quite a work out. I need to see how I can do that more often, through out the week. So there in lies a little goal for me - up the amount of aerobic activity throughout the week. As for my spirit - that's the hardest and easiest one all rolled into one. I will tackle that another day.

Goals are super important. What goals have you set for yourself recently?

Reaching for that star!

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.  ~Milton Berle

I still have plans. BIG plans. I figure, at 37, there is still a whole lotta stuff I need to accomplish.

When I am planning anything (and it is something I try really hard not to do too often) I set out on my little fact gathering quest.

Same thing when it comes to work - strategic plans.

It's time to begin the prep for the next decade of my life. I figure I need a three year stumbling pad to work out the kinks.

Here is what I know for certain:

1. I am 37. (okay.. we get that)

2. I am married. (translation - I have to consider someone else)

3. I do not have children. (Nor will I ever.)

4. I have a degree (awesome  - opens a few more doors)

5. I have 15 years experience in my field (good.. good..)

6. I am mobile. I don't own a house.

7. I pick up foreign languages very quickly

8. I have friends and family in several countries: America, Egypt, Brazil, Columbia, Italy, Belgium, France, Moldova, Mexico, Australia, Iraq/Kurdistan, Cambodia, Thailand, Germany, Spain, Indonesia.. (means, if I want to start over somewhere else, I have a support system to do so)

9. I like taking pictures

10. I like writing

Now.. what is it that I REALLY want to do??

I remember back when I was 30, I attended a meditative/life coaching class at a metaphysical bookstore in Macon, Georgia. (Okay, if you don't know me - I am always trying new little adventures to broaden my scope of  the world.)

One of the exercises we had to do was to close our eyes (go thru this whole clearing of the mind thing that I can't remember) and then imagine the life you want.

Now that seems a bit much. Let me explain more.

You had to visualize yourself waking up - what did you room look like? I saw white bedding (which I have since purchased) and lots of windows. There was a beautiful cat laying on my bed - then I went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee, opened my lap top and did my daily morning writing. (Like i do now, sans cat and sans stairs.)

What did my home look like? It was an older townhouse in a downtown historical area.

PS - this is all guided imagery.

What did my day look like? I left for work. I was literally asked to look at what I was wearing. I got this total visual of white button down (flowy) and black cropped pants and cute black ballet flats (very J. Jill)

I walked downtown and with coffee and croissant in hand, spoke to the other shop owners and opened my business. What was my business? It was a photography studio.

People - this was the first time I ever imagined this.

Since then, I have tried this exercise over and over. Once it was a coffee/shop book store. Once it was a restaurant.

But two things always remained the same - I lived in an older townhouse in a historical downtown area. My "business or office" was always in walking distance and was facing a river/water (coastal city is necessary.)

I was surrounded by books, coffee, photography/art. Intelligent, creative types.

Moving forward - what does that mean for me? I am still trying to decide. But it looks promising.

Will it be in my beloved Savannah? Will I be across the big blue ocean in my husband's home town of Alexandria, Egypt? Will I be pushing my way through the crowded streets of Bangkok? Will I be hailing a cab in NYC? Will I be strolling leisurely down a crooked lane in Noli, Italy?

God only knows.

Perhaps I will be driving up to the same office building I am now.

Time will tell.. the Destination? Still Unknown.