Advice to Men On Dating Websites

Instead of my typical, "Things I Learned This Week," I thought I would delve into another arena. Something that causes me a chuckle - Men & Online Dating Websites.

If you are surrounded by married people, and you find yourself married, you probably have no clue as to what I am talking about - but here's the deal: THIS is how people are doing it these days. It's true. The last time I was truly single was when I was 26 years old. I got married at 27. Divorced at 33. Immediately started a relationship. Remarried 34, and now I find myself single at 40. Things have definitely changed.

Many of my friends have been experimenting with the whole online dating world for almost a decade now. Before you get all judgey-wudgey, these are not pathetic girls. These are beautiful, successful, independent women. Basically, all of my closest friends have done it and some have remarried from the experience.

I decided to give it a whirl shortly after I got divorced. Some of my friends/co workers thought that I was jumping into things too soon. Many people kept saying, "Nicole, you need to do YOU." I just laughed, because I've been doing "me" since the day I was born. I have no problem saying No. I purposely chose not to have kids so that I would have tons of me time, and I make a point to treat myself to spa days, things, and I give myself permission to be lazy. Now that I am single, I had nothing BUT time on my hands. I found myself sitting in my apartment - watching TV, reading, swimming, shopping, etc - NOTHING HAD CHANGED. The only thing that did - Now I could actually go out and have fun with someone else, versus hoping/wishing/praying HE would talk to me or even acknowledge my existence.

Sooo.. I decided to do the whole online dating thing. I registered my profile and went to "shopping" for a guy to just hang out with. Here's the deal - I don't want to meet anyone in a bar. I don't want to be "set up" by a friend. Hell, I work in the arts world - most men are gay or not my type at all. I am not going to meet anyone at church (Hello? Catholic and twice divorced.) Sooo.. I went in another direction.

Granted, I have met some super nice guys, had some great dates (wined and dined,) and I have made some good friends. .. the process has become a bit humorous. Seriously! Here is a little advice for men on dating websites:

1. Smile. I promise - it won't kill you. Most of you look angry, sad, or dare I say it? Like a serial killer.

2. Be careful of posting pics with the interior of your home in the background. I don't want to see the pile of laundry, dirty tissues, or your wood paneling on your single wide trailer. Just saying.

3. Don't post a pic of you with another woman. Do I even need to explain this?

4. Don't post a pic with you and a group of guys. I recently got a message from someone, and his only pic was a group of friends. I tried to pick the least attractive one out of the bunch, assuming that would be him. Why else would he camouflage himself?

5. Don't say you are looking for a relationship, when clearly you are looking for sex. OMG.. if I get propositioned ONE. MORE. TIME. Whatever happened to a few dinners, movie, conversation.. THEN you move into different categories? Sheesh,  can't you at least pretend? We all know most men are mainly interested in THAT... but word to the wise, girls like me - we don't respond to THAT. Eek.

6. On this one website, there are a few features to help initiate conversation. You can select that you want to "Meet" someone, and you can "favorite" someone. If you select you want to meet me, and I am a favorite - yet never reach out and say hi - uh... what's the point?

7. Spelling.

8. Mug Shots. YES. Men are posting mug shots as one of their photos. Scary....

9. If we (we as in woman) do not respond to your inbox message - there's your sign. Don't keep pursuing.

10. Finally - posing with a deer head, fish, motorcycle, sports car, and other things as such will not impress most girls. I saw one profile with a guy who was kneeling in his front yard with his dog, his bike, his sports car and his house in the background. Overcompensating much?

Have you ever delved into the world of online dating? If so, what would you add?

The whole ONLINE love phenomenon.

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

Love for many is just one click away. I have seen it happen time and time again - and my FINAL report is - I think it is an excellent idea! Yes, I am actually in favor of online dating, matchmaking, or just making new friends!

Here's the reality: unless you are still in school, it is next to impossible to meet someone on a continual basis. Sure, the random guy or girl may catch your eye at the grocery store or gas station. But seriously, who actually TALKS to anyone at these places? (Don't answer that southerners.. I know, I know..we talk to everyone. But generally, it's not the "norm.")

I can definitely say I am experienced in the dating and relationship world. I had my fair share of crushes and heart breaks. Sprinkle that with a few long-term relationships (including living with someone,) I think I can safely say, as an adult - it is next to impossible to meet people.

Sure - there are the singles groups at a church. One of my dearest friends at my church went to one of the singles groups (she is 27), she came back and said, "I was the youngest by at least 18 years, and most were divorced, and just ODD." Boo, that's too bad.

Then there is the random "set up." I have experienced at least one set up and I have to say that relationship lasted 2 years. I am sad to report, I sort of hung around because we had the same social circle, and my leaving him would cause my entire "social life" to fall apart. Luckily, we both had a really good excuse to move on and it worked out just fine.

What about the person you meet at a bar? Come on, most red blooded Americans spend a large quantity of time in the local bar and club scene in their 20s and early 30s. I think I met a random guy or two throughout my life this way. Never went past a date or two. But then, there was that ONE. Sad to say, we ended up moving in together about 4 months later, and getting engaged about 8 months after that. Married two years into our relationship and then 6 years later divorced. Yuck.

Then there is the guy at work. NEVER and I repeat - NEVER do this. I think I went out with a person or two from my television days. SUCH a bad idea. SOO SOOO bad. RARE that it works, or.. maybe, you really need to work in different departments. Because if it ends badly, it's bad all around.

That brings me to this online phenomenon. I think it is a good idea, and here is why: Because you get to read a surface level profile of their interests. (If they say Football is an interest and they list a team, well.. you have to realize they may live for days when the game is on, and taking you out may not be an option.) If they say they have a dog - well, get ready for fur on your favorite wool coat, and yes, you will be expected to love the dog also. If they have a child, if they are divorced, if they have a religious preference - it's all there. Basic things that SOMETIMES people like to leave out until they get to know one another better.

I also think it is a good idea because you are not meeting someplace like a bar, or a church, or work.. which means - if it doesn't work out, no embarrassment and awkward situations.

I have heard many times that people think it is dangerous. Tell me this - how is it any more dangerous than meeting ANY stranger any where? You have to use your good sense.

Another great thing about it, you are forced to chat a bit to get to know one another. You are actually writing, and let me tell you - what a GREAT way to get into the mind of anyone. (Clearly you agree, or you would not be reading a blog post!!!)

I never used a dating service. But, I know people who have. One of my friends has used eharmony or match.com many times. I believe they ended up with about 2 solid relationships. No, they did not work out - but it was the basic reasons anyone would not work out.

Also - it's not just for "sad, lonely divorced people." There is a stereotype with that one. Let me tell you, I have some friends that are drop dead gorgeous and in their 20's and they use these sites. It's because they are sick of the club scene and want to be a little more "picky." Just cut to the chase and find people with enough commonality and differences to keep it interesting.

I did meet my egyptian online using a social media site. It started out by curiosity between friends from different countries. Grew into a solid friendship, then a deeper respect for one another, then full-fledged "love." Yes.. online.



Some of you may be completely skeptical.. but trust me, it is possible. Imagine my basic day for about 1 1/2 years: I wake up, and after my cup of coffee I call the egyptian to wish him a good morning. (Though it was already almost dinner time there.) We would chat on the phone for just a few minutes, then I would get ready for work. After I had breakfast, and if I had a little extra time, I would sign in online and video chat with him before I went to work, that would last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour.

At lunch, I would check my myspace inbox or FB and see a sweet comment or message from him. I, in turn, would leave something for him.

Before the end of my work day, he would respond with something else. Then, as I drove home from work, I would call him and we would chat for about 15 minutes.

After I got home, and had dinner (and if he was still awake) - we would talk online for an hour or two. (DId I mention, I had a webcam and we actually sat and talked to each other.

On the weekends we would talk for about 4 hours. I am sooo serious. Sure, there would be breaks.. but we would talk. It forced us to get to know one another. It forced us to TALK. (I joke and say that is why we have nothing to say now.. we shared all of our stories in the first 2 years. LOL) Seriously, we probably TALKED more than the average couple has in the first 3 years of marriage.

Granted - getting to meet that person for the first time is waaaay more intense than your average "set up." You have built a rapport. You know what the other looks like. This time - you put it all together. It's a really amazing experience. You get to see if things check out, and if all is as it seems - MATCH!

If you are single, and are interested in meeting someone - don't be afraid to go a different route. It's more common than you think!

What are your thoughts on the whole online dating phenomenon?