Taking a Risk

As I look back over my life, I suppose I am a bit of a risk taker. Wait, let me correct that, a cautious risk taker. The best way to describe that is I tend to weigh the consequences, make sure all of my bases are covered, then spring into action.

For example, falling for and entering a relationship with the egyptian.

I knew we would have a bazillion things working against us. He was younger, from a foreign country - heck, not even a foreign country, a completely polar opposite culture/religion. The bumps and bruises we have endured along the way would break any couple. I am soooo happy to report, we are absolutely stronger than we ever were. There is a balance of power (finally,) a sense of teamwork, and personally - that's all I ever really needed.

Most importantly, there is love. Lots and lots and lots of love. We have that same passion we once had in the beginning, except now it is sprinkled with acceptance, compassion, and patience. Thank GOD I did not listen to the naysayers and run straight to a divorce lawyer when times got tough. It's so easy these days to do that. Instead we decided to hang on and ride out the storm.

There is no sense of urgency, or control. I think losing everything ended up being exactly what we needed to gain a sense of balance again. He is where he rightfully should be, the head of the house, yet he is encouraging me to do the absolute best I can do and still try for success. It's a good feeling.

The risk to fall in love with him was great. The risk to stick with him was even greater. Guess what? It worked out in the end.

That's all that matters.

I about to embark on a different kind of risk. I am toying with the idea, and one minute I am like - YES, and the next minute, I begin to think to myself.. hmm....

I think I am going to go into business for myself. I have already decided to start freelance writing, but now I think I might try something else in addition to that. I believe I might start a very small business, one where I reach out to other small businesses and non profits and offer an a la carte service in promotion/marketing/public relations. Keep it simple, keep the costs down, and make it afforadable to the average Joe.

I have all of the tools in my brain. I have all of the connections needed for both Middle Georgia and most of Alabama and Pensacola. Heck, why not?

I am toying with a name, and logo. A mission and plan. A kit to promote and people to contact. It's in the works. Heck, nothing else is happening, and it's something I know I can do, so why not do it?

Risk. It might just work out.

What is the greatest risk you ever took?

Cutting the Cords

There comes a point in every parent's life where they have to cut the cords, even if it is just for a little. The little birdie has to fly on it's own, and trust that you have given it every thing it needs to take flight.

It is sort of the same when you are married to an immigrant.

The egyptian is going through the process to finalize his teaching certification in America. His degree is in English Language & Literature with another concentration in Translation. He speaks 3 languages. He is certified to teach in the middle east.

Luckily, the Islamic Academy (private) school has hired him to be a "fill in" teacher, with the possibility of a full time position. But with all private schools, the pay is not the best. He wants to work in a public school as a high school teacher.

I have taken him everywhere he needs to go. He has called and requested all the right forms - but there comes a time when my knowledge of how this works comes to an end.

I am tired. I know it is an investment in my future too, but I can't do it all or hold his hand through it all. I know, I know.. some of you may be thinking that is kind of harsh. What I mean to say is, he has got to take some initiative and try on his own. It makes him nervous to call the State Board in Montgomery and ask questions. Yes, he speaks English - but he is very insecure about his accent. I am sure that is why he prefers to spend time with his Arabic speaking friends. (As most immigrants do - they stick with their own.)

It is finally time for him to step up and make something happen. I see his anxiety, I see his insecurity - he even reached out last night and told me how he felt. He's just scared.. scared he will fail.

He looked at me and said, "What kind I life can I provide for you? In America, I am nothing."

Forgiveness

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." ~Henry Ward Beecher

I am trying out this concept of true forgiveness... and I have to say, it feels nice.
In our society, it really does not make a lot of sense to most people - to take something/someone and totally wipe the slate clean after pain or heartache was experienced. We are a vengeful sort, always thinking of ways to "get back" at others, or cutting them out completely.

I read a quote yesterday that struck me so hard. It was by Ian Percy and it said, "We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions." How completely true is this statement? How is it that I expect all of my sins to be forgiven and wiped clean, when I cannot do the same for another.

Plus, who is to say one person's transgressions are any worse than another? Pain is pain. Deceit is Deceit. Anger is anger. What ever form it comes in, it always leaves a horrible after taste.

When you choose (and the key word is choose) to wipe the slate clean and adjust your thinking - changes will come, almost magically.

I choose to feel joy. I choose passion. I choose adventure. I choose beauty. I choose truth. I choose companionship. I choose love.

All of those choices have both pros and cons. There is no rule written for the universe that would say that any of these paths would be easy. To understand joy, I must experience sadness. To feel passion, I must feel apathy. To handle adventure, I must see boredom. To witness beauty, I must be exposed to ugly. If I am to live in truth, I must feel the pain of a lie. If I want to feel the security of a companion, I must feel what it means to truly live alone. And if I am to experience the ultimate gift of all - love.. then I must be exposed to hatred, anger, and isolation.

Holding another hostage to your scars is not fair. The only freedom one will ever experience is one where pure acceptance and a clean slate is provided. To get there, one must hit bottom and rise to the top.. and to rise by choice.

Yes, I am practicing forgiveness.

Defining Roles

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

I think one of the hardest parts of having a multi-cultural marriage is defining roles. The expectations are vastly different, so the adjustment period takes a little longer.

In a "westernized" Americana marriage - we are pretty clear how that works. The man is still thought to be the "provider", however the wife is equally working to make sure not only do they have everything, that they have more than they could have ever hoped for. Then the wife, husband, and kids all participate in the cooking, the cleaning, and basic budgeting of the home. The husband will take care of the yard work, and of course the yucky things like: taking out the trash, cleaning up the toilet, or whatever the wife deems "gross." The kids are responsible for the dishes.

Obviously, when it comes to the nest itself - the wife rules the roost. She will decide how things are decorated, where things will go, what is needed. The husband will traditionally want to pick out the barbecue, the lawn mower, the big screen tv with surround sound.. etc. These are the basic "rules" of the roost.

That's how I understand it to be.

Then I was blessed to be paired with a middle eastern man. There are so many joys that come with that. But understanding the cultural differences have been a difficult boat to row. First of all, before we got married I asked my now-husband, "Do you have any expectations of what a wife should do?"

I thought it was a fair question. I found that most of my problems (when it came to domestic items) in my first marriage fell around the expectations & compromise arena. Of course, he said, "No, no. Just normal."

Normal.

What is your norm?

Well, here is where I messed up. I did not ask him to define his norm.

In his world - the wife is the second in command. She cleans (perfectly), cooks (three square meals), and remains modest and demure. Most women in his country do not work, instead they have children.

So here I am, with a full time job, working my tail off (I wish literally.. unfortunately no matter how hard I work - my ass is still there), and then I am expected to be the only one who cleans, the only one who cooks - BUT - the trick is, it is typically frowned on for me to make any "household" decisions. Down to the decorating - he redecorated the house to his specifications.

Now before you get your feathers ruffled - this does not have to be a negative thing. This is a cultural thing.

I understand that. However, it does not make it any easier to adjust to. This past year of marriage has been a period of adjustment. For both of us.

For one, we both have very strong personalities. I like that. I needed a man who would stand up to me, and not let me run all over him. I like to be in control - and so does my husband. It is teaching BOTH of us to let go a little. That has been the hardest part for us.

I am completely outspoken. (I guess you never realized that.. right? ;-) ) He is adjusting to a woman who will speak her mind.. and I have to admit, I generally speak my mind more than the average person, so don't think this is normal. It honestly gets me in trouble with my american friends.

What I am embracing now is our new "defined" roles. I am learning to be the one who is expected to clean. Okay. If this is what I have to do to have a happy husband, I will do it. I am finally establishing a routine, and I am not so lazy about it. Not that I was ever dirty - I just would let things slide through out the week, then on the weekend spend a majority of my Saturday cleaning. NOW - I only spend about 30 minutes cleaning on Saturday, and this new way of life has afforded me the opportunity to have more time to myself. If you can believe that?

He is learning to be more patient. He is learning to accept the fact that I work a very busy, sometimes stressful job, and is a bit more understanding if I don't feel like doing a load of laundry.

Big purchases, we have not had to deal with that yet. I am sure that will be a completely different post. Decorating - we are still in negotiations for a new couch and wall color... I used to be on a debate team, I know I can win this one! LOL

Yes, this seems petty and silly - but let's be honest. Those of us in a relationship (living together or married) know this is the domestic life. As much as I try to avoid it - I have one.

What roles have you defined in your own relationship? How did you get to the point you have a routine? What works for you? What did not work?

In the end.. there is always Love.

Today is my 1st wedding anniversary (American Style) to my Egyptian. We sealed the deal (officially/legally) in a mosque in Birmingham, Alabama.

When I look back at this wild and crazy year, it is funny to think I was hobbling up to the Hoover Crescent Islamic Center in a "boot" on my right leg, supporting a chronically sprained ankle. ;-)

I think that was a sign of things to come.

It was hard walking in there.. hobbling in. I sat, I accepted, I loved.

I held on. I watched. I learned. I cried. I laughed. I hoped. I dreamed.

In the end - today - there is so much love.

Sure we fight. Sure we laugh. Sure we have plans.

Today?? Was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

We entertained together, and worked as a team. The spirit in the home was positive good. The bad elements of the past and "drama filled" energy was not here.

We traveled somewhere for him to see something he desires.

We went to dinner.

Then we traveled to the cinema and picked a movie I have been wanting to see.

We ended with coffee - together.

Yesterday we saw the movie Sex & The City 2. The critics were waaaay wrong. It was excellent. I truly related to the relationship woes Carrie and Big were exhibiting. Married - no kids - never will .. and learning to lean only on one another. We both talked about it later, and yes - we will have to make our own rules on what our "family" will look like.

Tonight we saw Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married, Too?" Again, we left saying - yes.. I do.. I do.. I do.

Why did I get married? Because I found the man I want to grow old with. I searched 33 years for this man. And I am pleased to say - he is mine, and we are in it for the long haul.

Some days it is touch and go - but in the end..

I am going to use the great words of Dr. Seus. Yes, I realize this is given to graduates.. but my egyptian and I - we have graduated one full year of "official" living together marriage. Yes, we married the Islamic way back in Egypt a few years  before, though we did not live together. We have graduated - and are rebuilding a foundation.

Here are the words for my great egyptian (Oh the places we will go!)

Oh The Places You Will Go
By: Dr. Seus

Congratulations!


Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!



You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.



You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.



And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.



It's opener there

in the wide open air.



Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.



And then things start to happen,

don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.



OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!



You'll be on y our way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.



You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.



Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.



I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.



You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.



You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.



And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.



You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?



And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...

or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.



You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...



...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or the waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.



Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for the wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.



NO!

That's not for you!



Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.



With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of a guy!



Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.



Except when they don't

Because, sometimes they won't.



I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.



All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.



And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.



But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.



On and on you will hike,

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.



You'll get mixed up, of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

and remember that Life's

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.



And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)



KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!



So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

You're off the Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!