Waiting On The Call

It's not hard for those of us old enough to remember rotary phones, to remember what it was like to "wait" for that phone call. I have been fortunate enough to live through a time period when we did not even have voicemail.. or as we liked to say back in the day - an answering machine.

When I was a kid, for the most part, we only had one phone, and typically it was on the wall in the kitchen. There was absolutely zero privacy when trying to have a conversation. I still remember my very first "boyfriend" calling me at home. I was probably 12 or so, and I remember my sister was sitting at the bar in the kitchen, watching mom cook and dad was filling our cups with ice. Joey had called and he asked (like they did back in the day,) if I would "go" with him. Of course, I said yes by the phone and of course, because we were 12, he said, "I love you," before he got off the phone. I remember standing there in the kitchen mortified for several reasons. For one, I came from a family that did not use the "L" word, and two.. there was no way in hell I would say it OVER the phone to HIM.

That was the last time I talked to Joey.
I guess technically, he and I are still an item. lol

One of the most memorable and precious calls I ever had was the last conversation I had with my great grandmother, who I referred to lovingly as Granny. She was dying, and was very unresponsive to most people. I got on the phone... said a few things, and ended with, "Granny, I love you." Out of no where, that woman said as clearly as I am typing this to you tonight, "I love you too." THAT is a call I will never forget.

I remember the other type of call I dreaded more than any call - the one where the doctor told me over the phone that I had cancerous cells on my cervix. They never come out and say you have cancer. They say something like they got the results came back, and that you have carcinoma in situ. I handled that call very well. I listened and asked what I was supposed to do, and the doc arranged my first of many procedures to wipe out the monsterous cells. I hung up that phone, sat there a moment and suddenly my brain kicked in - carcinoma.. carcinoma.. oh shit...

I remember waiting for the right hour to approach to call the absolute love of my life in Egypt. An eight hour time difference made all the difference in the perfect good morning and the perfect goodnight. We built an entire relationship based on the words that were shared through that phone.

We also ended a relationship on one.

From bill collectors to family members calling to report a loved one's death - the phone can represent some of life's greatest battles.

On the other hand, whispered words of love, even a shared prayer, or an answer to a question can send waves of relief through the airwaves.

I think of the calls I made tonight: One to someone who adores me, another to someone I once adored, and yet another to the person who gave birth to me.. and even one to a friend that is celebrating one of life's milestones... I am able to reflect on how fortunate we are to be able to communicate with one another. That the phone, as annoying and even as expensive as it can be, is the tool that links our hearts and our lives to one another.

Big Reveal

I owe it to my actual readers to try to explain what is going on here - maybe you can shed some light on my reaction and see if I took the proper steps.

Oh yeah - I am "living out loud" today. I have typically refrained from writing about specific situations, but this one is just sooo big and in the end - not so big, I would love to see what you think.

Without further ado.. here is what is bothering me.. (I can't believe I am sharing this!!)

Friday was an excellent day. I went to work, I took the egyptian to the mosque, we had lunch at the Chicago style pizzeria (locally owned) and truly had a good day.

In typical Abdou fashion, we came home that night slipped into our normal routine. I turned on the TV (never actually watching it, and it is turned down low) - and my egyptian gets on his laptop (which he treats like a desk top - he never moves it from the table, unless guests are coming over.. BIG pet peeve of mine.) I was sitting on the couch with my laptop.

I asked the egyptian to come over and "hang out with me." Yes, I was being needy. He said he was busy - and began his 6 hour video chat marathon with most of his friends in Egypt and Lebanon.

Okay.

Soo - fast forward to Saturday morning. I woke up in a foul mood. No doubt about it. Moody, sad, irritable.. who knows why. (Boys look away - I have to share something with the girls - I had a hysterectomy 7 years ago - but I still have my ovaries, perhaps I was hormonal... but.. who knows.. b/c .. well... those things don't happen anymore.. you know what I am saying??) TMI - I know.

Moving on..

I basically pouted most of the day. As I was driving the egyptian to work, he asks, "Is your family okay? What's going on?"

oops.. flood doors erupted.

I gave my dissertation on why I feel he does not give me enough attention. Oh yes, my friends, I went cuckcoo on him. Typical emotional meltdown. But - in my defense, he does tend to spend more time chatting with friends from home, than talking with me. Or so I feel..

He just looked at me like I was crazy, got out of the car and said, "Nicole, you create most of your own drama." I swear- I thought I was going to scream. He was right - this time.

Well, I left and since most of my friends live out of state, and the others were out of town for the 4th - I finally went to see eclipse, alone. I have to admit - this was the first time i ever went to see a movie alone and i loved it! Sorry, I digress...

I get home and open FB. There is a simple message from the egyptian: "I am going to borrow money from my uncle, and I am going home. I am going to Egypt."

WHAT???????????

Needless to say I freaked out. I thought to myself, "Come on.. it was a little meltdown.."

I called him immediately. He proceeds to tell me: 1. He is at work and can't talk right now and 2. It is just for a vacation for about 10 days or something.

Wait a minute.. back up. On Friday, over lunch, I asked the egyptian where he would like to go for our anniversary in November? He informed me he could not take any vacation- so I accepted it and moved on. NOW he is going to Egypt. Then i relaxed.

"Oh, we are going together?"

"No, I need a vacation - from the states, from work.. from YOU."

WTH?

I lost it. Right there. I went into psycho mode and slammed the phone down. (Um..yeah. it's a cell, I 'm old school. I still like the idea of slamming phones. This generation has nooo idea how powerful that feels.)

I picked him up from work, and it was a very intense drive home. He was calm and said,
"Nicole, I am just tired. I have not been home in over a year - I miss my family and my friends. I just want to see everyone."

Here's the thing - I understand that. I told him I understood. I just said that I was insulted that 1. He did not invite me and 2. He made this decision without discussing it with me and 3. He said he needed a vacation from me.

We talked a little, I explained myself a little better (the emotional outburst from earlier that day) and we went to bed friends.

I woke up, and after a nice morning - he looked at me and said, "I am going to need you to help pay for my trip home."

I said.. and my religious friends, look away... I said, "You are out of your mother fucking mind. You want a vacation from ME? and You want me to PAY for it?"

Granted - I should have stopped. I brought up something that we had settled, but the nerve of him????

Then because he and I do not fight fair - he says, "Okay - here is the deal. If you don't help me pay for this trip, I will borrow the money from my father. If I do that - I am not coming back, period."

I flipped out. Manipulation 101 - don't even try it with me. I was torn between trying to keep a cool head and losing my mind. Later, I joked with an old friend about how the old "Nicki" came out, circa 18 - 26 years old. I told him where to go, how to go and what to do when he got there. BURN.

Then the whole fight escalated - I said stupid things... "I told him to go then. Go meet some good little muslim girl, and have babies."

See.. it is a sore spot that I refuse to convert. And the fact that it is painful for him that we will never have children.

Ouch. Buttons pushed. Stupid of me.. I know. But I warned you - I don't fight fair and I am a reactor.

We did not speak to each other for 11 hours.

Last night, we were okay. We were calm, we were loving, we are moving past this fight.

My question is - did it have to go down like this? The request was simple.. if I peel back the layers. He's home sick. He wants to go home. He wants to see his people on his terms, without me clinging to his side. He wants Egypt the way he remembered it. He needs my help to get there, and he is coming back.

Could he have asked me in a different way? Oh yeah.

Why do we lash out in such despicable ways? How do you calm your anger and keep your temper in check?

I know this post was extremely personal. But it was hell. I had to purge. Many thanks for allowing me the space to do it.

Communication or the Lack there of..

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

That's the thing about life - learning to communicate properly, with full understanding of whether or not your message was heard and processed, is the hardest skill to learn.

Just last night, the egyptian and I clearly had some signals crossed. I was feeling and understanding one thing- he misinterpreted. Then he made a decision, and "announced" it to me. I reacted. He reacted. Then we both took a 4 hour time out and tried our best to understand.

I kept asking the same thing over and over, "Can you understand why I would feel this way? Can you see where I am coming from?"

Of course the answer was no.

Words are so powerful. We utter our thoughts, quite carelessly sometimes. When you are trying to communicate in a way that may not be your native language, sometimes the words come out completely wrong.

That could go for work also. Let's say you are a feeler and your manager is a thinker. (There of tons of tests out there to identify what type of communicator you are - just google it.) Clearly you may cross the wrong wires from time to time.

I am not sure if there is ever a solution to this. I am just working really hard on the one part I can control - the reaction.

If I had to describe myself - I would definitely say I am a reactor. No - this is not a good thing.

How do you communicate with your loved ones? What are the triggers that cross the wires and cause you to react?

It's a constant battle.. I am sure of it.