I'm feeling a bit "off." I am fairly certain it is due to so much stimuli and "great" news. Perhaps that statement makes absolutely no sense. Here's the deal - I process things very slowly.
Typically my emotions catch up to the actual events well after the fact. I am fairly certain it is because when I grew up, my mother would often say, "Stop crying. You need to grow up." As it turns out, I grew up believing that crying was a sign of weakness and you HAD to toughen up. I learned very early on not to show my true emotions, and found ways to just - BREATHE. The positives with this technique meant I rarely "got my feelings hurt." I developed a very thick skin. The negatives? I ended up with good-old-fashioned panic disorder, which means my body decides to release the "fight or flight" response at the most inopportune times. I've learned to deal with it (sans meds) and I just push through it - like everything else in my life.
Which brings me to the news of the day - The husband; he is no longer "the egyptian." Nope. He is now, "the american." That's right! He received word that he is now an American Citizen (or he has been approved.. or whatever. The process is never that simple.) I am not sure what is next, but in his words, "I got my citizenship." That's great. That's what he wanted. That's what I wanted. That's what the American government prefers. But what does that mean for us?
If you followed my story for a long time, you know the naysayers love to leave comments on my blog. Typically, anytime I wrote about a falling out or disagreement, these individuals would say, "He's only using you for his citizenship." Of course, that's a terrible thing to say to anyone. But needless to say, it has been said and said numerous times.
Of course my stomach dropped when I found out he got it.
Of course the doubts and negative comments crept it.
Of course I just went on about my day.
Then I sat for a moment.. and I began to process.
What does this mean? Do we move forward? Does the bottom drop out? Will we feel like we are on a level playing field since I am no longer "legally" needed? Will we heal and feel that sense of pride? Or will I have to bury my head in the sand and listen to, "I told you so."
That's the hardest part about marrying an immigrant- the "I told you so."
The age difference (he's 8 years younger.) The cultural differences (muslim and christian.) The on-going issues with differences in norms. It's a hot bed for "I told you so."
I feel that anxiety creeping up.
I have to let it go. I've come so far and I have experienced a phenomenal week.
This is a time of celebration.
But why do I feel numb?